Coffee song

Woke up this morning
Checked my phone
No new messages, it claimed
My friends, IG and FB 
Had many things to say
Irrelevant nonsense
Interspered with bits of information
IG and FB, my besties
Ever responsive unlike the human oafs

Got up
Walked to the kitchen
Boiled water
Two spoons of filter coffee
Waiting in the filter
Welcomed the boiling water
Many minutes later
A cup of bitter black coffee
Waited in a faded mug
Having my name on it

Sleeping by the television
Was the weighing machine
I kicked it awake
By stepping on it
Screaming in agony, it said
"Aaaah! You are heavier by a kilo"
I placed the blamed
On last night's fried rice
And promised to eat fruits that night

But it won't happen though
For I dine with my parents
Tomorrow night's gone too
For I dine with my human bestie
One of the few that's left
I looked down at the weighing machine
And screamed "Next time it will be two"

Drank the bitter black coffee
Became a cheater
By saying "Hmmm"
I have ditched tea
And moved to coffee
Rather drink pee
Than tea with no sugar

I don't care for coffee
And can drink it
Any which way
Black bitter coffee's good 
For your heart, liver, gut and butt
Said the experts in the web
Expertizing their displaced, misplaced
Knowledge on social media

With the used coffee powder
In a kettle filled with water
Walked to the balcony
Three plants awaited licking their lips
Two sisters and a neighbour
Who exists for no reason
Not for love, for sure
But can't let them die
They need coffee to live

Coffee
From plant it comes
To plant it goes
Only the flavour remains
Inside me, around me.

Engaging oneself

"Dumb, dumb, dumb, another one bites the dust", sang Freddie Mercury into my ears as the train arrived at the station. As it halted, I realized that I was not standing at the right spot and walked back towards my compartment. When I reached my coupe, I saw that the remaining three seats were occupied by two women and a child. The girl was lying down on the berth assigned to me. Her mother asked her to move to her own berth, which created some confusion in her. I smiled at the mother and daughter and said "It's ok, I will take the other berth" and placed my bag on the other berth. Then, I did what I usually do when I board a train - sat on my seat, put on my headphones and ignored the world. Usually, I put on some music and run through the social media but for the past few months I have been stricken by an ailment. It has changed my behaviour. Instead of listening to some brilliant metal music, I watch K-drama these days. 

Being more rational than religious, God remains in peripheries of my life. But my new found obsession of K-drama has convinced me of the existence of God, not the kind, benevolent type but the type that hides cloths of bathing women in the trees and laughs at their plight. My affection for K-drama can only be the assigned to such a god's mischievous act. 

For many years, I felt contempt towards anyone listening or watching anything K - K-pop, K-drama, K-ellogs, ... Two years back I saw a K-drama called Mr. Queen. I was blown by it. It was funnier than anything I had watched till then (and since too). The heroine of the series was really good. Though I did not understand Korean I felt I understood every word she uttered. I really wanted to see other series that featured her. A few months back I implemented that want. Since then I have watched nearly 10 K- dramas and much to my disgust I enjoyed watching each one of them. That said, everything about K-dramas is not good. They tend to be cliched and manipulative. As a result, I believe I will stop watching them in the near future but I can't say for sure. 

Before getting back to the train, I feel the irrestible urge to talk about a couple of cliches that I have observed in some of the K-dramas I have watched.  Coincidentally, the same heroine figures in all these dramas.

1. The main characters in the K-drama, who are complete strangers, feel a strong dislike and then strong liking towards each other. By the end of the series, they realise that they knew each other when they were small and right from that age they were destined to be with each other. As I said earlier, the same heroine figures in all these series. She seems to be the queen of the long lost love series.

2. In one of the series, the process of falling in love involved the heroine tripping on something or other and falling into the hero's arms. For the next few seconds, the two characters stared into each other's eyes. In those few seconds everything from love to lust to Limca flowed between their respective eyes. I remember, one time, I shouted out in agony "No, please be careful! Don't trip. You will once again  fall into his arms. Stop being ridiculuous". Obviously, she did not hear any of my words of agony. She tripped, fell into his arms and spent a few second looking into his eyes before realizing "What are we doing" and moved away from him. Incredibly, after realizing that the two of them were always in love with each other, she stops tripping. Kinda suspicious, won't you agree?  

The other annoying aspect are the product placements, from Kopico to Papa John's everything figures in the series. In one series, the mothers of the two lead characters work at Papa John's and eating pizza becomes a major part of every episode. This unfortunately resulted in me attempting to order Domino's pizza one night but they insulted me by informing me that I stayed too far away from civilization and so the pizza cannot be delivered to my tree. Feeling frustrated, I shouted "hoo, hooo, hooo, heee, heee, heee" and went back to watching K-drama. The last two parts of any K-drama are boring as hell and the only way to survive these episodes is by forwarding many parts. But those are not the only parts that require forwarding, there are the frequent flashbacks. If the series makers were not obsessed with 16 or 20 one hour episodes, these would have been incredible watches. These criticisms notwithstanding K=dramas are not banal. They are great tools available for people to escape from the drudgery of life.

Damn! How did I become such a K-reature! Will I ever become a human again!

Getting back to the train, I put on my headphones and started watching one of the K dramas I was watching (I always watch two at a time, when one gets boring, I move to the other and vice versa). These were the last few episodes of the series and I felt a desperate desire to get it over with. So, I watched them with interest and forwarded parts which were not interesting. Suddenly, I felt that the mother and daughter were trying to communicate with me. I looked up and saw both of them looking at me intently. I took off the headphones and heard the two of them say in unison "Are you watching K-drama?" When I said yes, the mother asked "She wants to know which one. We too watch a lot of K-dramas". The daughter chipped in "We started watching K-dramas during the lockdown days. We have watched many series. We love them. My favourite is ..." I don't remember the name she mentioned. She continued "What is your favourite?" I said"Mr. Queen." She did not know the series. The mother took out her mobile and noted down the name. She asked "What is the name of the series you are watching?" I gave her the name of the series and warned her not to watch it with the daughter. I was not sure if she heard it and so I repeated it again. She nodded her head and noted down the name of the series anyway.

To get away from the topic of K-dramas, I asked the daughter "Are you from here or Thoothukudi?" She said she was going to Thoothukudi for the weekend. Her mother chipped in "My sister and I are makeup artists and we are going to Thoothukudi to take care of makeup for a bride." She took the opportunity to hand me a visiting card. I took it from her tentatively and wondered what to do with it. My son is probably many years away from marriage and I don't believe he would require a makeup artist anyway. Then I remembered my niece. As per the astrologer, she only had three and a half years left to get married. I took out my purse and placed the card inside it carefully. By this time, the mother and daughter got into a minor argument. She claimed that she was going with her mother to help them but her mother argued that the daughter was just tagging along for the food at the wedding. I smiled at them politely and wondered when it would seem not impolite for me to get back to the K drama. Suddenly, I asked the daughter which school she went to. She gave the name of the school and said that she studied in class 3B. The mother and daughter stopped talking to me after that. I wondered if it was due to the mentioning of school. I happily went back to the different sets of lovers falling in and out of love by the end of every episode. 

When twenty minutes remained in the last episode, I received a message on instagram that read "Life's a tragedy" from the girl getting engaged at Thoothukudi the next evening. I felt worried. She had barely managed to maintain her sanity during 2024 and had finally heaved a sigh of relief when 2025 started unfolding. All the worst case scenarios started running through my head. I decided to call her before the train reached Villipuram. She picked up the call in the second ring and started a monologue that is given below. But before I get to that, it is important to place a note on how it was spoken by her and hence how it should be read. It was spoken at double the normal speed of speech. Also, a few vowels in some of the words were dropped. For example, the sentence "today was a complete disaster" should be read as "tdaywascmpltdisssaaastr". Also, a large chunk of what she said is not placed here for reasons of privacy. She said something like the following.

"Today was a complete disaster. They did a makeup trial and it was horrible. The makeup person applied tons and tons of powder and cream on my face, I ended up looking like someone else. And then the lipstick, peach coloured lipstick. Did you even know that peach is a colour? You thought it was a fruit, right? It's not just a fruit, it's a lipstick colour and it looks terrible. And the hair, she made it seem like a bird's nest (kurivi koodu to be precise). All I wanted was curls but when I saw myself in the mirror my toes curled. I looked like Medusa with all the snakes on her head howling at the moon. Usually, people say that a beautiful nose look like an inverted 7. She made mine look like an 8. I don't know how she managed it. Many people say I have a beautiful nose but the one I had after the session looked anything but beautiful and then she brought a lens to inspect if I had facial hair. I stopped her before she could get the lens anywhere close to my face. She seemed disappointed and had some thoughts and suggestions. I said no. And then..." 

This went on for 36 minutes and 40 seconds. During the monologue I probably said some words but the only acknowledgement I received was "I can't hear you". Once or twice, I wondered the effect makeup artist sitting besides me would have on the bride the next evening. After a few more minutes of talking about her ghastly trial makeup session she said "Anyway I will put minimum makeup tomorrow. That person is not coming anywhere close to my face. Not a chance. Ok. I will see you tomorrow. Good night." When the call ended, I felt relieved as the tragedy she talked about did not seem like much of a tragedy. She had just built a Jurassic park inside her head. 

Thoothukudi is a small town in south of Tamilnadu. People from Thoothukudi might not agree with the 'small town' part of my statement but for a person who has lived in Chennai most of his life, it seemed like a small town. Twenty minutes of drive was all it took for the town to end.  I went for a walk around the block after breakfast. For reason I don't wish to mention here, I decided to not take a second round around the block and went back to my hotel room. As soon as I entered the room, I got a call from the girl who was getting engaged that evening. She said her mother wanted to talk to me. Before I could ask why her mother wanted to talk to me, her mother asked "You wanted to go to Sivagalai. Many from my family live there still. What did you want to see there? As far as I know there is nothing there to see." I tried to explain that there is 5000 year old burial site there. The finds from the place have caused a major excitement among Tamil archaeologists and historians, not to mention politicians. She said she will check with someone and get back to me. 

A few minutes later her father, not the mother's father but the mother's husband, called and said "A friend of the family is an archaeologists and he will reach out to you soon." In 30 minutes, I received the call. The person worked with the archaeology department and seemed a knowledgeable person. Later, I realized, he had a doctorate and worked in dating pottery found in these sites. He gave me the number of two people who he said will help me at Sivagalai and at another site called Adhichanallur. By the time the call ended, the family had arranged for a car. Ninety minutes later, I walked between pits containing 5000 year old pottery of various sizes. The bigger ones were used to store bones of the dead with materials used or liked by the person placed besides. Medium sized pots containing the favourite food items of the dead were placed around the large pot. From these pots husks and remnants of rice and millet were found. Analysis also found that some of the pots were used to store milk and curd at the time of burial. 

I was informed by the person at Adhichanallur that this site, which was on a rocky mound, was a secondary burial site. This meant that initially the bodies of the dead were buried inside similar large pots at a primary burial sites closer to places where people stayed. The pots were reopened after a few months and the bones of the dead were transferred to another pot and reburied in this site. The person who took me around mentioned that some of the pots were nearly six inches thick. They found a number of iron and bronze objects too. These and the bones of the dead were taken to the labs. The person showed me a few small pieces of the bones in one of the pots. An image of the place and people, as they existed 5000 years back, started forming in my head. I felt I was transported to those times. 

The site at Sivagalai dated to 3345 BCE. The archaeologist found iron implements from that time at the site. As a result, it is now believed that the iron age in Tamilnadu started more than 5300 years back. The site itself was more recent and much less developed site when compared to Adhichanallur but its bareness made me feel even closer to people from the distant past. The watchman at the site was a good person who had information and stories about the site.  The site was enclosed within tin shed. Initially only the top was covered and the sides were left open. Once when it rained the cattle grazing outside rushed into the shade of the shed. As a result, many of the large pots found intact in one of the pits were broken. The pots that remained intact and the contents of the pots from the pit were all taken to the labs.

The trip went on to the peripherals of the red sand desert called Therikaadu and the temple at Thiruchendur, which held a special place in my heart. During my younger days, many mornings started with Sirgazhi Govind Rajan singing loudly into my ears "Thiruchenduril kadal orathil senthilnathan arasangam..." from the local temple's loid speakers. Unfortunately, i could not see much of the temple and the sea as there were too many buildings and other constructions around the temple and I could neither see the temple's gopuram nor the sea. At the temple I observed yet another instance of human selfishness. The line to the inner sanctum ,which was not long, moved excruciatingly slowly. It took almost twice the time that it should have. When I reached close to the inner sanctum I realized that many people ahead stood praying to the god for a good 3 or 4 minutes. They blocked the queue and did not let anyone pass. At other temple, I have noticed that there are people who push such people ahead. Here no one cared so these selfish devotees stood there blocking the queue's movement asking their dear God for all kinds of favours in this world and the next. I wondered how God tolerated such selfish devotion. 

I reached the engagement ceremony early. Other than the girl's father and brother I knew no one there and no one else knew me either. The father greeted me respectfully. Not being used to such a treatment in life, I felt I was the CEO of a company. Her brother, being the 7th or 8th most important person at that occasion was floating in cloud 9. Though I felt like I was the CEO of a company I could only reach up to cloud 6.5 and so he did not see me. I called out his name and he came running towards me saying "Oh uncle, I did not see you." Like his father he treated me respectfully too. I reached cloud 7.5. and felt like I was the CEO of a mid size company. 

The girl appeared 45 minutes after I reached the location. In the time, I had read three articles on my phone and swiped through Instagram and Facebook four times. I also had a glass of grape juice which suspiciously tasted like grapes, unlike the purple coloured sweet solution I am used to. The poor chef thought grapes were actually used in making grape juice. I thought "good fellow". 

The boy reached 15 minutes after the girl. Soon many members of the family were seen on the stage. The boy and the girl and a group of Reverends sat in its middle. The Reverends had a copy of the Bible in each of their hands. They read out parts from the book and advised the future bride and groom about married life. I am not sure I agreed with everything they said but i enjoyed listening to them.  To give them credit they did not paint marriage as being a rosy picture, instead they dwelt on the do's and don'ts in married life.

The most interesting statement of the evening came from the boy's uncle. As soon as I saw him, I realized he is an important person. As I looked at him, he looked towards me. I wondered if I should give him a smile but then decided to smile only if he smiles first. He did not smile but turned away. I felt myself falling from cloud 7.5 to cloud 4. As the person walked up to the stage he was introduced as a famous cardiologist from a town close by. I felt relieved. I did not deserve receiving a smile from him. I was back to cloud 6.5. He talked a few lines about the goodness of the boy and girl. He went on to advice the girl "Man is made from clay and woman from the bone of man. This means that the woman, as she is made from man's bone, is stronger than the man." I thought that was an interesting way to look at the line from the Bible. It made women seem stronger, which usually does not happen in most of the texts from 2000 years back. Unfortunately, he followed it up with a cliche "It is for this reason that they say behind every successful man there is a woman".  I find this line annoying. It neither satisfies the man nor the woman. The protest from the man would be "What! Why? Why can't my success me just mine? So what about all the success I had before I got married?" At that moment, the man would have heard a small voice in his head say "Maybe that woman is your mother!" On hearing this, his protest would have turned towards the small voice "In that case, what about my father?" At that point the small voice would have found it to be wise to say nothing. On the other hand, the woman would have protested "What! Why? Why should I be behind him? What can't I take care of my own success, which as such takes away a lot of my time and life? I can't take care of his success too. That's his responsibility." Of course, I have no idea if the boy and the girl on the stage thought any of this. Due to this train of thought I did not hear the concluding part of the uncle's speech.

I had dinner with... Well! It's tough to explain who the person was. Suddenly, he held up a fried chicken leg piece and said "Chicken is so expensive these days. When I was young, I used to buy one full chicken for 60 Rupees. Now it's so expensive. It's all due to these vegetarians eating chicken and mutton now. Their love for non-vegetarian food has raised its price. Even the price of fish is high now. They only eat vanjram fry and look at its rate. I can buy 10 kg of mathi for the price of 1 kg of vanjram. That is because they only eat vanjram fry. They don't like fishes like mathi. Now, Vanjram has become too expensive." This thought had never struck me. I always felt happy to see a vegetarian eat meat. It made them as unholy as me and I felt happy with the feeling that both of us would ultimately end up in chicken hell or goat hell. I did not believe in the person's observation though and wanted to counter him. But I was afraid I would be considered a vegetation turned non vegetarian. So, I said "hmmm" and continued eating.

The evening ended for me a little later. I shook hands with the girl's father and waved bye towards the boy and girl. I had felt a lot of love in the air. As I look back at my actions during the days after the function, I wonder if they were driven by this love.

First love

The cab arrived 20 minutes earlier than expected. I knocked the driver's window and confirmed that it was for me. The driver requested "Can I get a cup of tea?" I looked at the person walking towards me with a plate of bajji and requested him to get the driver a cup of tea. The driver asked how much he should pay? I said it did not matter and handed the plate of bajji to him. Since the time I fell sick, the very sight of bajji made my stomach churn. I walked back to my office to complete the remaining activities for the day. 

Thirty minutes later, the cab started its 90 minute journey towards my parent's house. The driver asked "Offices usually make their employees pay for coffee and tea. In this office it is free, is it?" I said yes. He continued "I thought I will get to the office early and have a cup of tea in a shop close by. Usually, IT offices in this area have tea shops closeby as that is the only way IT people can escape their work and relax. But your office is in the middle of nowhere and there are no shops close by." I responded that our office lay at the periphery of the IT area. He said "I called my agency twice to confirm that I am in correct location". Suddenly he pointed at the words on the rear of the cab ahead and commented "Why has he written Japan on it?" I looked at the car, it did not give any clue. I responded "Maybe he is a fan of the movie Japan." He asked "Is there a movie called Japan?" I responded "It is a flop Karthi movie." He persisted "But why has he written Japan? We are in Chennai and not Japan. So why?" Fortunately, the discussion was interrupted by a call from my wife. 

When the call ended, he asked "Are you a Malayalee?" I responded "Yes, but I was born and brought up in Chennai." I added unnecessarily "My mother was brought up in Chennai too but my father is from Kerala." He commented "Oh, is it a poetry of love, is it?" The precise words were "kaadhal kaviyamo" which I believe roughly translates to "poetry of love".  I felt annoyed with myself for having provided the unnecessary detail but went on to provide some more unnecessary details "No, no. Both are Malayalees. My mother's father came to Chennai in the 1930s to study in Pachaiyappas college." He ignored the details and asked "So what is special about Kerala?" The question took me by surprise and I wondered how to respond. But the wondering was unnecessary for he used the question to go back in time to recount incidents that refused to leave his memory. It was a near soliloquy for the next hour or so. I tried to provide a few pointless comments in the middle, but most of them are not worth mentioning here. 

"When I was in 9th standard, I used to be a sportsperson. I played football and cricket and took part in athletic events. I was the class president and quite a popular person in the school. There was a malayalee girl in my class and I liked her a lot. She was not very beautiful and all but I really liked her. She liked me too. We never talked to each other but she used to look at me from time to time and smile. Sometimes she used to point towards me with a smile and say something to her friends. I am sure she liked me too. I built a castle of love in my heart. I thought I will declare my love for her after the board exams when we came back for the 11th standard. But then her family left Chennai and went back to Kerala after the board exams. She left suddenly. She did not even inform me. I had no idea where she had gone. Social media and mobile phones were not available for me those days and I had no way to know where she went."

He paused for a moment and continued "She was my first love and I am not able to forget her. Whenever I hear anyone talking in Malayalam, I am reminded of her and I end up feeling sad. Three years back I heard she had got engaged but I did not bother to find out more. What is the point! I was married by then but she is my first love and I can never forget her." I interjected "This reminds me of the movie 96." He agreed "Yes, it is like 96. You know, I cried bucketloads as I watched that movie. I will never watch that movie again." I tried to assuage him by saying "Think of it this way, your feeling for her have not changed as you did not get married to her. Marriage tends to change your perception of your partner as your spend you whole life with him or her and in the process get to now him or her well." He agreed "That's true. After those incidents I knew arranged marriage would not work for me. So, I fell in love with a girl when I was working in a pharmacy and married her. When we were in love, we wanted to talk to each other and spend time with each other all the time. But now, it is not like that. She says I have changed but I have remained the same. Yet she says I have changed."

"I used to be so excited that she was a Malayalee. I thought I will go every month to Kerala to visit my in-laws. My children would be able to spend time in Kerala every month. I could show off to my friends saying that I am going to Kerala this weekend. But now I am just a local, stuck in Chennai forever. I don't take any trips to Kerala. Even if I get a good one way customer to Kollam or what's that place Thiruvanapuram, is it? Oh yes, Thiruvananthapuram, I don't take it. I can't go to Kerala ever."

"I realized one thing early in my marriage. Never divulge the details of your past to your wife. I never told her about my first love. I was worried that she will use it against me if we have fights by saying 'Oh, you still love that girl and that is why you are causing this issue now.' Sometimes when my friends come over and a Malayalam song starts playing on TV, I quickly change the channel as I don't want them to mention anything about her in front of my wife."

"When I am reminded of her, I feel sad and end up listening to love failure songs. My wife gets confused by this. She says 'Our love story was successful, so why are you listening to these sad songs? Do you have something going on in the side now?' What can I tell her! I end up saying I love listening to these sad love failure songs. It is tough to forget your first love."

"They say that there are seven people on this planet who look the same. So, when I see someone who reminds me of her, I wonder if that person is her. But how would I know? I have not met her for more than 10 years and she was only 15 then. She must have changed a lot since. Her voice and looks, everything would have changed. I don't think I will be able to identify her now. Still, sometimes I am reminded of her and then I feel sad." He smiled and continued "The first letters of our names are A and C. So, I thought our life will be cool like an AC. But it was not to be."

The relentless onslaught of his disappointment and sadness disturbed me. He could have gone on like this for hours. I tried to comfort him by talking to him about his son but he went back to his first love after uttering a few words about his son. I deflected his thoughts from the topic by talking about traffic. I said "Usually people go from place to place in their vehicles, but many two wheeler riders go out with the intent of overtaking other vehicles. I think they get onto their two wheelers with the thought 'I will overtake 25 vehicles in the next 15 minutes'. That is all that they do on the road." He agreed and pointed at a helmetless two wheeler rider twisting through the traffic and said "Look at that fellow, does he care what his parent will go through if something happens to him?"

Ninety four minutes after I started the journey, as I got out of the cab I tried to act my age by advising him to forget the past and take care of the present and the future. He did not relent to my advice "No. I can never forget those days. I can never forget her. If I have a daughter, I will name her after my first love." I waved a goodbye towards him, closed the door and walked away.

Lemmy diets

Lemmy's not considered a singer by many

But for me charges run through my nerves 

Everytime I hear him grunt 

"I am the one, Orgasmatron".

Motoring myself into a spontaneous dance 

Though my dancing skills don't stand a chance.

Listening to it once is not enough

And Lemmy comes back on the air again.

Then somewhere in the middle of the song

I started singing, apeing Lemmy's voice,

The pizzas were done by 9 last night.

Only two warm drinks consumed since

Liquids with flavours of nuts and leaves,

Are not considered as food.

Two boiled eggs sitting on the table

Need 10 minutes to be peeled.

Another two needed to tear them to bits.

Two more needed to add pepper and salt.

The dish should ready by 9 am,

A clear 12 hours since the pizza.  

I have aced the spade 

For I managed 12 hours of fasting

That's what matters, only that matters

At that moment, I heard Lemmy shout 

"Overkill, overkill, overkill, get out of here".

And I got out of there.

Go pick a white boy

She looked at the crowd of people sitting before her. She felt all their eyes were on her. As her eyes passed through the faces in the first few rows, she saw them all smile at her. There was happiness all around. The happiest face belonged to her uncle. His smile turned into a wide grin as her eye rested upon his face. She was not sure if she wanted to smile back or to put up a grim face. She decided to compromise and smile weakly at him. He was present on the day which possibly was the beginning of the journey that ended here. He in some way was possibly responsible for this.

She knocked the door of her grandparent's house and waited for one them to open it. When the door opened she found her uncle looking at her with a wide grin. As soon as she walked into the hall, her grandmother walked out of the bedroom and asked "Did you talk to your mother?" She responded "Yes" glumly. Her uncle announced with a big smile "At long last, a big wedding in our family!" 

The conversation that followed can be best reproduced like a drama. 

She:  (looking at him annoyed) What wedding! I am not getting married now.

Grandmother: Thank God! She said 'now'. At least now she has agreed to get married

She: (glaring at her grandmother) Ammamma, I am not getting married now! That's for sure. But I can't say what will happen in future.

Uncle: But you don't have much time, only three more years.

She: Mama! Even as per the astrologer, I have time till I turn 26.

Uncle: Precisely! You turn 23 in a few months, which means that you only have another 3 years.

She started to say something but stopped. She sat down on a chair.

She: (holding her head in her hand) Oh no!

Grandmother: (glaring at her uncle) Will you be quiet! Stop being so painful. (looking at her) What is wrong with you? Since when did you start believing in astrology?

She: No, I don't believe in it but i am just curious about what the astrologer said. How can he say I have to get married by 26?

Grandmother: He said it will be good for you to marry by the time you turn 26.

Uncle: Which means it will not be good if you get married after 26!

She and her grandmother glared at him. 

Grandfather: Thats true. 

They glared at him now. 

Grandmother: The two of you better be quiet. It only means that the marriage will be normal if she gets married after 26 and excellent if it's before 26.

Uncle: Excellent marriage is an oxymoron.

Grandmother: You are simply a moron.

Uncle: (appearing shocked) Moron! Its bad parenting to call your son a moron, Amma.

Grandmother: Not when the son is as old 10 donkeys and yet behaves like a donkey.

Uncle: Once a donkey, always a donkey. (looking at her) You should find a guy in another 2 years else your parents will force an arranged marriage on you.

She: No!

Uncle: Of course, they will! They would want their daughter to have nothing less than a happy marriage.

She: No mama, I will not accept an arranged marriage.

Uncle: In that case you have to find a white boy who is from North of here in another 2 years.

She: Where can I find a white boy? Russia?

Uncle: What! No! It could be a Telugu.

She: No, Telugus only get married to Telugus. I have never seen a Telugu get married to someone from outside the state.

Uncle: No, that's not true. (after thinking for a few seconds) Hey, thats true. I can't think of any Telugu who has married someone from outside the state.

Grandmother: Nonsense! Your co-sister is a Telugu.

Uncle: Ah yes! How did I not remember that! So it's a white Telugu boy for you or a north Indian.

She: No! It will be a Russian.

Grandmother: But I thought you were not interested in marrying?

She: No Ammamma, I have no problems in marrying. I don't want to marry for a few years and definitely not an arranged marriage.

Uncle: But Amma, she is saying she will get married to a Christian and you are not worried about that. That too a foreigner. I am shocked. What will happen to our family pride!

Grandmother: Shush! I am glad she has agreed to get married. That is more than enough.

She: Ammamma! I am not agreeing to get married. I am just thinking about what the astrologer said.

Uncle: Thinking is the first step to action!

She: No, sometimes you can think and decide not to act.

Uncle: But not acting is also an action. You are acting anyway.

She: What are you talking about!

Grandmother: Stop it. Please stop discussing your philosophical nonsense here. Do that with your intellectual teacher friends.

Uncle: I don't like the way you said intellectual. But I will drop it for now. (looking at her) That means you will be married by the time your cousin finishes college.

She: No.

Uncle: What do you mean no! He has another 3.5 years of college left and you have another 3 years to turn 26.

She: Oh! (after remaining quiet for a few seconds) Ok! I am leaving. Goodbye.

Uncle: Why! Don't run away.

She: I am not running away. I have work.

A few months later she was sitting in the cafeteria sipping capucino thinking about the white Russian boy who had not entered her life yet. Suddenly she heard a gruff accented voice ask "Is this seat taken?" The gruffness of the voice and its sudden appearance shook her. The owner of the voice continued "I am sorry. All the seats are taken. So ..."  She did not let him complete. She asked "Are you a Russian?" It was his turn to get shocked. He asked "Yes! How did you know?" She felt embarrassed and was barely able to respond "Your accent."

Inception of conception

She did not hear him. He repeated his question but she did not respond still. He touched her on her shoulder and asked "Are you ok?" She looked up at him and responded "Yeah". But she still seemed lost in thought. He asked "What happened?" She responded "I was thinking..." She did not continue. He waited for a few seconds before asking "Thinking about what?" She looked at him said "Thinking that we should ..." Once again she stopped talking. Now, he was worried. He persisted "Are you ok? Should we go to a doctor?" She shook her head and said "No, no. It is just that I am not sure but I think, ehhh. I think we should start a family". He was perplexed "What do you mean?" She responded "I mean we should have a child." He looked at her without saying anything. It was now her turn to ask "Are you ok?" He said "But you did not want to have a kid for five years." She said "That's what I thought but now I feel we should start a family." He did not say anything. She asked "Do you have a problem?" He took a moment before responding "Not a problem. It's just that I did not think about it." He paused and then continued "I was wondering about the EMI and all." She said "But the EMI goes on for another 15 years. One year will not make any difference." He agreed. He sat beside her and placed his hand around her shoulders. She rested her head on his shoulder. They started at the television for some time.

She said "There's something else you should know". A look of concern appeared on his face. She looked at him and said "It's nothing to be concerned about. It's about a custom in our family." A part, only a part, of the concern he felt disappeared from his face. She hesitated before continuing "In our family, the first child should be conceived at our ancestral home." He did not understand her words properly "You mean the delivery should happen there?" She responded hesitantly "Not just the delivery but also the conception." He still did not understand clearly "What do you mean conception?" She felt annoyed "You know what I mean." He stared at her wide eyed. He said "You mean..." He could not complete the sentence. She smiled and shook her head. He wanted to say something but could only say "baaa..." She laughed and patted his cheeks. She said "Don't worry. We will plan it. I will book the train tickets for next weekend". He felt stunned "You mean you have planned it already." She laughed "Of course! Family requires planning. Haven't you heard of family planning!" They watched the television silently for some more time. 

Later, when they were having dinner, she said "I forgot to say something. Let's sleep in separate rooms from tonight." He left his hand with the food between his fingers hang in mid air as he asked "Why?" She smiled "You know! It's better to be careful." His hand with the food continued to stay midair as he protested "But..." He could say no further. The argument that it is better to be careful was too strong to be argued against. She made her already strong argument stronger by saying "We have to do everything to ensure that it happens when we are at home." She had emphasised on the word everything but thought the emphasis was not strong enough and so repeated "everything" emphatically. He shook his head and finally let his hand with the food travel to his mouth.

That night, for the first time, in their married life they slept in different rooms while staying under the same roof. It would not be entirely correct to say slept for he did not sleep much. He lay on the bed and stared in the direction of the roof for a long time. His disturbed mind randomly threw many thoughts at him 

" A child, a child, a child, hmmmm!"

"A child, a child, a girl or a boy, a child, mmmmmm"

"EMI, hospital, doctor, preschool, nursery, school, college and even then, the EMI, mmmmm"

"But who will take care of the baby when we go to work? Will my parents come or will her parents? Will she leave her job or should I leave? But can I take care of the baby? Can she? Oh god!"

"The baby has to be conceived in two days! Two days! How is that possible? This is not ... Oh god! Never mind!"

"Two days!"

"Vaccination!"

"Higher studies"

"Marriage"

In a matter of hours, he travelled across many years. Finally, his mind gave up and he went to sleep. He woke a few times in the night but he did not remember if he had similar thoughts then. Finally, the alarm went off and he got up. He did not feel very well. As he was making the coffee she appeared smiling brightly. She said "Good morning!" He responded "Good morning". She looked at him with concern and said "Didn't sleep well?" He shook his head. She said "You should not be worried. It will only make matters difficult." He waved his hand and said "Yeah! I will be ok."  She took the cup of coffee from the kitchen counter and had a sip from it. She said "By the way, I booked the train tickets for next week." He stuttered "Already but, but when did you book?" She chirped back "Last night, just before I went to sleep." He sat down with his cup of coffee and said "Oh". 

He remained gloomy and tense for the next few days. She tried to pep him up and he tried his best to pep up but his mind was clogged with too many worries to actually pep up. As the weekend approached his worry turned from the distant future to the near future. The night before the night of departure he asked "Does your parents know about this?" She asked "You mean our trying to conceive?"  He said "Yes". She responded "Of course, everyone knows." His eyes went wide and he asked "What do you mean everybody?" She responded "I mean everyone. There will be a pooja and feast day after tomorrow. Everyone will be there." He stopped sipping his coffee "Pooja? What pooja?" She explained "You see! Usually, the first night will be the first night of attempted conception and the pooja happens with the marriage ceremony itself. But now things have changed and the pooja is conducted separately." He remained silent for some time. He looked at the ant strolling carefreely towards the edge of the kitchen counter. He asked "So everyone knows." She replied impatiently "Will you stop this. We have been married for four years. So everyone knows anyway." He asked stupidly "Even the children." She walked over to him, held his shoulders and said "Even the children. These days the children know a lot more than they should. Hopefully they don't know all the details but one never knows these days." He got up and hugged her. He said with a sheepish smile "Well! I am embarrassed." She smiled and said "Don't be else we will have to make more trips."  He asked "Will there be pooja every time?" She laughed "No, no, only the first time. But please, let us hope we don't have to make more trips"

He spent the next 48 hours wondering about the pooja and the embarrassment of facing the uncles, aunts and cousins. Just before they left to the station, she kissed him and said 'Don't worry. It will be fine. This is the beginning of a new chapter in our life." The thought comforted him and he slept well that night in the train. The next morning, when they got down at the station, they found many members of her family at the station. Her younger brothers walked up to them with garlands in their respective hands. After they were garlanded every member of the family on the station congratulated them. All his forebodings about the day came back to him in a rush. He looked at her. She was happily laughing and chatting with her relatives. She held his hand firmly in her's as though she did not want him to run away. Sure enough the thought had crossed his mind but he was not sure where he would run away to. So he stood amidst her relatives with a smile forced on to his lips.

There was many more relative waiting in front of her house to welcome the two of them. They all hugged and patted them as they walked into the house. He was shocked to see the number of people who were present there. Soon, they were ushered into their room. They had an hour to get ready for the pooja. When they were inside the room, he asked her "Why are there so many people?" She responded "This will be the first child of the new generation in our family like I was the first in my generation. They are all excited." He remained silent for some time before asking "Will they stay the whole time?" She held his hand "Stop thinking so much. You are giving this too much importance to all this. This is just a process like eating or taking bath." He did not understand the comparison but he let it pass. As she had mentioned he had to stop thinking about this situation. 

An hour later, the pooja started. It involved priest, fire, smoke, ghee, sprinkling of water, chanting of holy mantras and explanation of the mantras. These explanations were unlike any that he had heard earlier. They provided graphic details of the intimate interactions between the various gods and their respective goddesses. The adults giggled and relished the explanation, which further fuelled the graphicness in the priest's explanations. The adults had driven away the children who were actually relieved to be away from the smoke, fire and the boring chants. The two people responsible for this fantastic event, kept their heads down and looked at the fire and embers intently. She had a shy smile on her face. The expressions on his face could not be read clearly. An hour and half later the pooja ended with the priest announcing "The time between 2:27 and 2:52 is good." Her mother inquired "That late in the night?" The priest responded "PM not AM; afternoon not night." He looked at her bewildered. She did not look at him. Her mother said "Oh! There is not much time. Let us arrange for the lunch." 

The lunch was sumptuous but the couple sat separately and were only provided limited amount of food. One of her aunts said "Too much of food will make you sleepy. Then nothing will happen. Have a lot of payasam. The combination of jaggery and ghee in the payasam is good for both of you." The other aunts giggled and agreed. Once again, the two of them kept their heads down and ate the food. At 1:45 pm, her father, uncles and brothers guided him to the room designated for them that afternoon. Her father explained "This room is considered special. It is only used for the first nights in our family. Though, in your case, it is not the first night, this is technically your first night." Every one laughed except him. Her father opened the door and said "As per our customs only the couple can enter the room. Please go in." As he walked in her brothers said in unison "Wish you all the very best". One of her uncles chipped in with "Do well." They closed the door. He stood in the empty room and looked at the bed decked in flowers. The decorations on the bed made it seem like a tulip field in Netherlands. At the centre of the bed was the shape of a heart with an arrow piercing it through the middle. He did not feel like sitting on the bed. He sat on a chair and stared at the shape of heart at the centre of the bed.

At 2:00 pm, the door opened and she walked in holding a glass of milk in her hand. She wore a silk saree and was decked in jewellery. She held a glass of milk in her hands. He had not seen her like this since the day of their marriage. She looked at him stare at her with his mouth open wide. She said "Don't look at me like this." He responded "But we have been married for four years now." She said "But for them this is our first night together. In a sense it is, isn't it? It is a new beginning." He corrected her "This is not first night. This is first afternoon." She corrected him "Technically, it is not the first afternoon either." She walked up to him, gave him the glass of milk and said "Don't drink it all. I get the bottom half of it." He looked at her incredulously and said "Seriously! Like in the movies!" She responded "Movies are based on life. It is an aphrodisiac." He refuted "Milk is not an aphrodisiac." She corrected "It's not just milk, they have mixed some powder in it." He said "Hope it does not knock us out. On second thoughts, hope it knocks us out." He drank half of the contents in the glass and gave the glass to her. She finished it and said "That's all! It's as simple as that." At that moment, they heard her mother's voice from outside the door "Don't waste time. Start, start." He looked at her shocked and whispered "Are they listening?" She laughed and said "They are only there to ensure that we start. Come on!"

Later, when they walked into the living room, they found the whole family was assembled there.  Everyone looked at the expectantly. It seemed that they expected the child to pop out of her immediately. Her mother asked "So, did it go well?" She shook her head in affirmation. Everyone clapped their hands and congratulated each other and the couple. One of her aunts said "You should try again tonight. Hope the two of you have enough energy left."  Another aunt said "Don't tire yourself now. Rest well. Sit down, sit down." For the remaining part of the day and the next day too people advised them to relax and to save their energies for the process of creation of the first member of the next generation of the family. From time to time, they talked about the future and discussed about the child's gender.

"It will be a girl."

"No, no, it is better for the first child of the generation is a boy."

"No, it has to be a girl. Remember our grandmother and what she said about her mother."

"That is correct. Look at this generation itself. This girl has been so good for our family."

"True, true, it has to be a girl." 

In the middle of this discussion, the couple sat wondering what control they had to guarantee the sex of the child. That night and the next afternoon, the couple were ceremoniously taken to their room by the men and women of the family. The next evening as they got into the train, her mother held her hands and said "Take care of yourself. We will be waiting for the news."

A few weeks later, she walked out of the bathroom looking glum. She sat beside him and rested her head on his shoulders. He looked at her and asked "What happened?" A tear made its way down her left cheek. She said "My period started." He closed the laptop and placed his head on her's. They sat in this manner for some time before she wiped the tears away and said "Let us go out for dinner tonight." He agreed. That night she said "I have booked the tickets to go home." He looked at her shocked. She reassured him by saying "Don't worry! This time there will be no pooja or flower decked bed." He continued "But all the people and the half glass of milk will still be there, right?" She smiled. 

This time the crowd of relatives at her house was lesser in number and in the display of enthusiasm. Many comforted them by saying "It's ok", "It's all in god's hands", "The time has not come yet, that is all", "Don't lose hope. Keep trying." He was reminded of the time when he could not get though the JEE exams. This time, there was less fanfare though. Only her father and one of her uncles escorted him to the room. She was accompanied by her mother and a few of her aunts. Later when they walked out of the room, they were met with anxious faces. Her mother asked "All ok?" She responded "Yes, yes." Her mother said "Good, good." 

A few days later, he heard her curse and shout "Not again" from inside the bathroom. When she walked out with her wet eyes he said "I have booked the tickets." She sat next to him and placed her head on his shoulder. 

Four and a half months later, when they got off the train, they saw their father standing at some distance. They walked towards him. When they got into the car, her father said. " Dilli mama is here." She said "Oh no! Not him".

"What happened? Who is Dilli mama?"

"He is a pain. He is a creep. He is a painful creep. He is a creepy painful oaf."

"Shush. He is your uncle."

"He is not my uncle. He is your brother."

"But you called him mama."

"You don't know anything about him. So you don't put your head into this. Appa, please stop for tea. I have to talk to him."

At the restaurant, she explained "This fellow ran away from home when he was sixteen. Please don't ask 'why'. No one in the family wants to remember. Everyone was relieved and no one searched for him. He remained lost for thirty years. But a few months before our marriage he landed at our doorstep. We refused to believe that it was him but he had not changed much both in appearance and character. So we did not have a choice but to accept him." He interjected "His name is Dilli?" She responded "No, his name is not 'Dilli'. He stays at Delhi these days and so we call him Dilli." He asked "So what is his name?" She could not hide her frustration when she responded "It does not matter. You keep away from him. You don't have to know his name. You just don't talk to him. He is a creep..." Her father interrupted her "But there is a problem." She looked at her father worried. He continued "He wants to take mapillai out for breakfast." The mapillai said "Me?" The father shook his head and said "I don't know how to say this but you have to be warned. He has fathered four children, legally that is. He considers himself to be an expert in the art of making children. Unfortunately, your grandmother informed him everything that about you two and he wants to educate you." She hit her head with her palm "Oh no! We are going back now. Let us take a break. We will come back next month." But his interest was piqued and he said "No, no. We should not turn back now." She looked at him annoyed and said "Oh! So now you have become interested, is it? You want to learn the art of making babies, is it?" He said "No, it's not that. We have to do what we have to do. We can't be put it off due to such small problems. Don't worry, I will handle it."

As soon as they reached home, they saw Dilli mama standing by the gate. He hugged them and said "Chella kutti, mappillai, it is so good to see you two. Your grandmother told me all your problems. Don't worry I can help you. Let us go out for breakfast. You have a quick bath and come back here, OK?" She looked at both of them worried but he responded "Sure mama!" 

A few hours later, the two of them came back to the house. Dilli mama had his arms around his mapillai's shoulders. As the two parted, he mentioned "So mappillai, remember everything I said. You will be a father within ten months." He left the mama at the hall and walked into the bedroom. He saw her sitting on the bed. She asked "So what happened?" He sat down beside her and said "You mama is a pro. My god. I don't know what to say." 

"Oh god! What did he do?"

"What! He did not do anything. He only talked. But, my god, he talked."

"What did he say?"

"Please! I can't tell you. When I was in the hostel during my college days, two fellows decided to write a porno story. They made is so graphic that we could not stay in the room for more than fifteen minutes. The last two hours was even more graphic than that."

"And you stayed and listened to it all."

"What choice did I have? He is your uncle and a powerful uncle at that."

"So what did he say?"

"Forget it! I am not telling you."

"Listen! I don't know what he told you but you are not trying all that out on me, ok?"

He laughed and said "I can't, even if I wanted to. I am human after all."

Black coffee

The bitterness of the vending machine driven sugarless black coffee
Hit the insides and the outside of my brain with an hammer
Not made of steel but of thoughts that struck me hard
Drowsiness and emptiness disappeared from my brain
Speeding away through my nose, eyes and ears
Into the emptiness of the atmosphere around.
I opened my eyes wide and stared at the world like a new born baby
Here, I should acknowledge I have a never seen
A new born baby open its eye wide and stare at the world, wide eyed
But if there was such a baby doing such a thing the baby would have looked like me

The bitterness of the coffee hit my brain and not only drove away sleep and bitterness
It also drove away the bitter thoughts that enveloped my brain's insides and outsides
Sweet thoughts did not flow into my head for bitterer thoughts entered my brain
I said 'stop' aloud and stopped the bitterer thought dead on its tracks
I drank another sip of the bitter black sugarless vending machine birthed coffee
To merciless murder the bitterer thoughts that were stuck dead on its tracks
Now that the bitter and bitterer thoughts were dead it was only right to cremate them
A voice in my head asked "cremate or bury?"
Another voice responded vehemently "Cremate, these are Hindu thoughts".
I sipped another sip of the bitter black hot sugarless coffee
I let the heat flow through my head to burn the bitter and bitterer thoughts down into ash
Now it was time for the two voices in my head to shovel the ash out
They shovelled the ashes of the bitter and bitterer thoughts down my nose singing 
"Heave the ash and ho the ash. Let it wash away from here to the eternal nothingness outside."
It was not much of a song and the voices were not good singers either
But I ignored the cacophony for they had a job to do and could not be disturbed.
Besides I was busy sneezing the ash out through my nose.
I sipped and sipped the hot black sugarless bitter and now not so hot coffee till the cup became empty
And my mind was free of sleep, drowsiness and bitter thoughts
Only Ian Gillan sang "Can't hide, can't hide my misery" into my ears
"Before,... Before, ... Never, never before..."