I hate...

I hate working. No, that's not it. That's something I believed was true but I don't think it is. That does not mean I like working. Nope, that will be a stretch. I don't like to work but I don't hate it either. So, why did I think of that first sentence? Was I hallucinating? No, I was in a hurry. In that small sentence lies a truth that didnot emerge as the sentence was incomplete. I have to add two more words to it. So here goes...

I hate working in corporate... 

Ah! I need to clarify something here. The term "corporate" that I have used above and that I will use a a number of times below refers to companies, particularly those in the IT industry. So, to reiterate...

I hate working in corporate. But I have spent more than 85% of my life working in corporates. So, the question is why have I spent so much time in corporate when I hate working in it? Worse, why am I  working in it still? The answer's simple, straightforward. It only contains one word. Money! There is a sensational amount of money to be earned in corporates and though money can't buy me love, love, in general, is overrated unless, one is talking about the universal brotherhood, sisterhood, friendhood, familyhood, robinhood kind of love (Note: the 'r' in robinhood is in lowercase to signify that it is a verb and not a noun). That said money can buy everything else. So I have emerged myself... No, not emerged, it's submerged. I have submerged myself in corporate for most of my life and I would be lying if I don't say I like the feel of having a healthy bank balance and stretching out my credit card to buy those pair of Sketcher shoes that I don't need.

So, the situation is complex! I love the money that corporate provides but I hate being a part of the corporate jungle. But what is the reason for this hate? The root cause for the hate is also money. Note the use of the corporate phrase 'root cause'. I hate that phrase. It is used everywhere. Every leader in every organization wants to find the root cause of something or the other. One of the main responsibilities of a leader is to motivate his or her team to find the root cause of something or the other at least three times a week. But what is a root cause? It depends! Depend on what? Depends on whom actually. It depends on the person whom you are trying to placate with the root cause. The idea is that once the root cause is found, a similar situation at a later point of time would not result in a need to find the root cause again. But in most cases, a root cause not being the actual root cause results of a situation results in the situation arising again. But interestingly,  the root cause determined in this repeated situation could be completely different from the original root cause. Ultimately root cause is a set of words that helps a set of people to move on from the line of fire caused by some mess up done by them or others.

I have gone off the topic. At this point I will try to amuse you with a few lines from the Whitesnake song 'Here I go again'.

Here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I've ever known

Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Ok, getting back to my dislike for corporate. The reason for both working in corporate and hating it is money. But why is that? Some of the highest paying jobs on the planet are in corporate. This means that the 8 or 10 hours of work that I put in every day gives me more than enough money to live comfortably.  Though the work is mentally taxing,  there are no discomforts physically. In a sense, I work a lot less than most working people on the planet and I earn a lot more. I remember, many years back a person telling me that software engineers work the hardest and they are not paid enough. He said that on a tuesday evening at 5 pm. He had come home from office at 3 pm and had taken a not so brief nap. At that time, he was sitting in a centrally air conditioned apartment in Texas. My friend and I felt offended by this statement. We too were living in similar comfort and we knew we were lucky to be there. We had no thoughts about us being a part of the most hard working people in or from India. There were a few days when we worked hard. Even then we worked a lot lesser than the people who sold pani puri by the side of a road or pulled carts.  

The second reason for my working in corporate for money comes from experience. A couple of years before COVID struck, I started working at a school as teacher. I was aware that my salary at the school would be low and I knew how low it will be. Yet, I  felt shocked when I saw the number that denoted my salary in the appointment letter.  It was the same as the number on my appointment letter from a big software company 22 years earlier. But, that did not stop me from jumping into the world of learning excitedly.  The next six years were the best and worst years of my life. Worst years financially and best years personally. I lost an incredible amount of money during those six years. Yet I  worked really hard. I have not worked that hard since nor had I worked that hard earlier. It was very satisfying. But I was in a financial mess by the end of the fifth year and I had to get back to corporate. At first I worked part time but within a year I realized I would not be able to live for long working at two places. So with a heavy heart I left the job I loved to do and went back to making money.

So, why is money the problem when working in corporate? Corporates function on a simple principle. Make a that lot of money now and ensure a lot of money is made tomorrow, the day after, the day after the day after, the day after the... If we don't, we are doomed. So the corporate lives with the insecurity that there is a good possibility that we will run out of money soon. As a result, we have to ensure that we run around looking for money like ants searching for food. But isn't that how we live, in general? Make money for my family's and my own today's needs. If that is achieved, plan for the expenses that might arise in the immediate and distant future. So, there is no living in the now. If life is the same why is it annoying when it comes to corporate? Well, in the personal realm most of these needs come from inside but in corporate it comes from outside. More importantly, in the corporate environment many hours are spent in discussing all this in formal meetings. 

There is another subtle difference. In the personal realm, a certain amount of money flows in and a person's responsibility is to ensure that this amount meets his or her today's and tomorrow's need. In a sense there is some guarantee that a certain amount will flow in and the idea is to manage life within that amount. But in a corporate this guarantee does not exist. Also, unlike a family, the corporate tends to spend more as the flow of money increases. Damn! None of this sounds true. Families spend a lot more than the inflow of money. I have landed in a tight corner. The issue I have with corporate is not justmoney. Money is a part of it but it is a lot more than just money. It's insecurity. 

Corporates are swamped with insecurity.  This comes out as many lacks - lack of money, lack of time,  lack of people, lack of customers,  lack of partners, lack of security, lack of... The whole system is driven by insecurity.  The thought that if we don't do this now, we are doomed. Is that a problem? It is for me. The problem is with the the word 'this'. That 'this' is not a simple this. It is more a 'that' than 'this'. By that, I mean, the 'this' is set so high that it seems like a 'that' than 'this'. I will use an example to make this and that clear. Say, a person taking part in high jump has the ability to jump 6 feet. But his or her ambitious coach sets the bar at 8 feet or even 7 feet and says "if you don't jump that high, we are doomed." This seems to me as setting the athlete up for failure but for many it may seem like a goal and goals are good. Well not necessarily but that is a topic for another day. The high jumper tries and jumps well but does not cross the 7 or 8 feet bar. The coach gets furious and berates the high jumper, who gets demotivated and his enthusiasm towards high jump reduces, maybe by a bit but reduces anyway. Who benefits from this situation? No one. But this is the attitude in a corporate. 

The issue I have with this situation is not the setting of the bar at 7 or 8 feet. That is setting an ambitious goal, which per se is not an issue. The issue is the feeling we are or will be doomed, if we don't jump that height now! Why? How does it matter? Why use this scare tactic to motivate? Is that motivation at all? When the jumper does a good but not good enough jump, everyone feels unhappy. The appreciation of the attempt is lost. This effort could have become better over time and led to success. But no, that is not the intent. The intent seems to be "I know what is good for us. I don't care about your thoughts on this. If you don't achieve what I want you to achieve, you are doomed, you are a failure." Of course, in most of these cases there is the underlying motivation that achieving this will make you rich. This is especially true in corporate.

A few days back,  I ran into a nasty bug. It was a new module and the bug had to be solved immediately.  The project lead called me and said "This is important. Get it done immediately." I panicked and fell under Claude's spell. I wasted time and the pressure increased. One Wednesday evening, the project lead called and said "if you don't finish it by tomorrow, the CEO will put us in front of a firing squad." But those words did not do anything other than increasing the pressure. Each time I ran the test, it took 8 hours for the test to reach the issue. So, the going was slow. I panicked, Claude hallucinated and I lived like a zombie under its spell. I spent 5 days solving an issue that only required 0.5 days. The ultimate solution came by on the Tuesday after the Friday when we were supposed to be shot. Today's Thursday and the issue is not completely solved but no CEOs are talking to me or anyone else about it. The project should have ended in February. We are now in August but the end is at least 2 months away. That is good as this means I make money for another two months at least. But the pressure of we are delayed, do it now, seems unnecessary.  But corporates thrive on this feeling. It's an artificial battlefield. There are no guns or bombs but the fear of getting hurt lurks around at every moment. 

Why? Can't we relax and immerse ourselves in the pleasure of solving issues? The thrill of finding an issue and solving it is incredible to live through. So is the thrill of coming up with an algorithm  or the thrill of learning something new, regardless of its size. Work in corporate is fun but the atmosphere and the people who run it are not. The constant insecurity and the constant feeling of lacking something,  makes life in corporate miserable. The mentality of the leaders when dealing with work makes working in corporate annoying. I guess it is for this reason that I have never been a CEO. The lack of insecurity and the need to be happy at all times makes me unfit for execution in corporate.

I guess I am not cut out to make millions!

Elk-Shelk

I went to check on a elk.

It was eating grass in a bulk.

Seeing me, it started to sulk.

I seemed a pain in its neck.

It's dinner was now a wreck.

I should have stayed on the deck.

Not clicking pictures, what the heck!

For the elk, I seemed like a speck,

Disturbing its input for milk

For her calves, separated by a trek.

I need to keep this poem on a check

For words rhyming with elk

Are not available in bulk! 

Indulgence

It is ironic that I am attempting to write poems. I don't understand poetry. I find it difficult to traverse through the imagery, metaphors and similies that reside in a poem. Then there is something called meters. I have no idea what they were. Yet, I have written many poems. Why? Poems help express or note down thoughts quickly. I look at poems as a write up in which I don't write complete sentences and let grammar float away like a he, he, he, helium balloon. Also, poems offer two challenges to my writing. First, can the idea be expressed though grammar is let loose? Second, does the poem have a rhythm? After writing a poem I read it out loud with some rhythm to see if it fits. If something does not fit, I change words or the structure of the line. I think this rhythm is probably what the concept of meter refers to. So, today I  have come to accept that my poems are probably poems.

Over the past few week, I wrote three small poems based on some minor experience.

Towards a billion Trudging ahead was a man

Bag on each shoulder,

His life's belongings.

Probably needs more,

Not probably, probably.

The world around him, with me in it,

Thriving to get more

By doing more and more.

How much more should I do

To be satisfied, 

To feel, enough?

A car, two cars, maybe three

One's a Benz.

One house, two, maybe three

One by the sea

One million, two, maybe one hundred

With two under the pillow.

And how long to get there?

One year, five years, maybe a hundred and fifty

With some luck.

I will get there

I might be dead by then

But i will get there.

I know, I am sure

I am gonna be a billionaire

Dead or alive!

In a circus

I 'm jumping through hoops

Like a circus lion.

No, a lion's too fierce

For me to be that.

I 'm more a donkey

A circus donkey 

Carrying hoops.

Not a performer

Jumping through hoops.

A nobody 

Lost in the crowd.

Considered lazy,

But is lazy

With no time 

To be lazy.

Busy jumping hoops

That don't exist.

Not even jumping

Just passing through

Making no impact

But thinking it does.

Too tired to rest,

Yet lacking the zest

To live through life

Filled with loads

That don't really matter.

I am a circus donkey

Being human

It was on that day

That I got to know

About his health

Till then I had focussed

On his wealth.

Money can be distracting

For it keeps attracting

Attention and exertion. 

So, I ignored his pain

Focussed on his gain

One might say, I am vain

But it should be plain

I am only being human.

Living in my own reality

Believing it's the reality,

Nothing else exists

Other than my values.

My value of utmost importance.

My world, in neat boxes

With defined edges,

More classical than quantum.

Castaways

I am tempted to start this piece with a disclaimer that goes like this. Any similarity of the characters mentioned here to any living or dead being is purely coincidental. But that might not be true. There is a good possibility that everything mentioned here happened. I have been assured by the two tailed, four headed being that all this is true. "Parent promise man! Its all true. I have seen it all" said zvi. 

Doesn't that last sentence sound cheesy? I mean what the hell is 'parent promise'? Should it not be 'mother promise or father...' No, not father promise.  A father's head is not important enough to make a promises on. So, zv's 'parent promise' is the same as our human 'mother promise'. The next point of cheesiness comes from the use of the terms zvi and zv's. Here again I should say I am not responsible for the cheesiness. The two tailed and four handed being assured me that in zeid land zeo do not have genders and refer to each other and zvi, zv, zeid and zeo instead of he/she, his/her, their or they respectively. To top it, the four tailed and eight legged being threatened to obliterate the whole of humanity if I ever refer to zvr in any other manner. So, to save humanity I have no choice but use these 'z' words. That said, I will keep the usage of these 'z' words to the minimum.

By now, you are probably wondering how many legs, tails, hands, heads does this being have. That is a good point to wonder. I too wonder about it too. Hey man, this being is like an octopus with many projections projecting from its... Kabooom! Earth and humanity destroyed. The END. 

Ha, ha, ha! Just joking. The earth will only be destroyed if the creature finds out that I referred to zvi as it. Till then we are safe.

Anyway, I have no idea how many hand, legs, heads, tails and whatever else the being has. Actually, that is not important. The being's narration is important for it describes the events from our distant past that no one is aware of. But consume all this with a pinch of salt... Well maybe a spoonful of salt for it may all be nonsense - a figment of that being's imagination. But I don't like to believe it. It sound real and I tend to believe that this happened.

With that introduction and the apology of a disclaimer, let us get into the matter that was shared with me. Well! Actually, I don't think it is important to share it. I probably should not share it either. But I have become a person with an insatiable urge to share, to talk, to write. So I share here what I probably should not share. 

According to the being all that I mention below actually happened. Zvi witnessed it firsthand and it is not hearsay. Zvi was there. I asked the being “Were you hiding behind a tree when it happened?” The being, in turn, asked “What is a tree?” I pointed at a tree and said “That’s a tree!” The being responded “Oh! Maram!” At that point, I realized that the being had been talking to me in Malayalam all along. So, I asked the being the next obvious question “Naatillu evideya?”, which in English roughly translates to “Where in Kerala are you from?”. The being responded “O! Ente naadu orupaadu doorathilane”, which roughly translates to “Oh! My place is very far away.” This is becoming painful. I will continue in English but remember that this conversation happened in Malayalam, the language of Gods who originate from the land popularly referred to as God’s own country.

The being mentioned that zvi was around in plain sight but as his body only reflected infrared light, the humans present there could not see zv. Zvi had to only take care to not run into any of the humans present. All the humans present did not move but sat in their designated locations and talked. Note, the use of the word 'designated' in the previous sentence. The being used the Malayalam phrase 'Adhadhu sthanathil' meaning they sat in locations assigned to them, meaning there was an arrangement and the arrangement was like this. They were all sitting on different levels of a tower. At the top, near the centre of the topmost level sat a set of people. They sat on the floor but on one side of this set of people sat another set of people on chairs. They looked similar to the people sitting around the centre. On all four sides of the platform sat other sets of people. They all looked different from each other. It should be noted here that the being described the people in each of these sets vividly but I refrain from reproducing them here as it might not be considered politically and non-politically correct to do so.

Below the platform, there were other platforms with different sets of people sitting at different spots. The being spent many minutes describing each of these sets. I got impatient and said “I get the point, can we move on.” But the being said “No! It is important to describe them. Besides, you have nothing else to do. You are my prisoner, and I am your master.” Those words probably require some explanation, but I refrain from explaining. Maybe I will explain on  some other day. So, me being the prisoner and zi being the master had no choice but to sit and listen to the gory details.

Now, it is important to mention here that these events occurred 12200 years ago, around 10,000 BC/MC/BE/ME/Whatever. So, it happened a long time back and it is possible that some of the events did not happen the way I have mentioned it below. I told the being so. Zvi got offended and said “What! Do you think I am a human being to forget things. No! It happened the way I remember. It happened the way I recount. So here we go. Now shut up and listen. Do not interrupt."

The being continued thus. “I was sleeping and was woken up by the sound of drums. I walked towards the sound and soon found all these humans sitting at different levels of a multitiered tower. Actually, it is better to refer to them as men as there were no women there. Soon the beating of the drums ceased and the man sitting at the centre of the top platform got up and started talking. Hmm, why is your hand up? I thought I mentioned that I did not want to be interrupted.”

“You did. But I have a question.”

“Can’t you hold on to the questions till the end?”

“Some I can but a few need an immediate response.”

“Ask!”

“Where were you?”

“Come on! How is that important?”

“That will help me in understanding the perspective.”

“What perspective?”

“Well! If you were outside the crowd, and not in the tower at all, you would have the perspective of a member of the audience. You will have the view of the people around, their expressions, their interest or lack of interest, their involvement and so on. This would mean that your perspective would be broad. But if you were a part of the people in the tower itself your perspective would be limited to your location. Your perspective would be influenced by the people who surround you and that impacts your perspective”

“Hmmm! That’s interesting. I did not think of it in that manner. I was right at the top. As the drum were being beaten, I made my way to the top of the tower. I knew the humans could not see me. So, I only had to make sure that I did not run into them. Anyway, getting back to the events. The man at the centre announced loudly. ‘It is time! The time has come! It has become important for us to name ourselves. There are too many of us with many differences existing between many of us. Some of us have a lot of similarities but many of us are too dissimilar. If we do not separate ourselves based on our similarities, these will disappear, and soon we will all be the same. That should not happen because some of the dissimilarities are important, and we should not dilute them by intermixing. For that reason, we have separated people according to the importance of their qualities and made them sit at different levels of this marvelous tower. Please don’t think of these qualities as good or bad. No! That is not the point. We are only considering the relative importance of these qualities to our society.’

It would not be wrong to say that on hearing these words I nearly fell off the platform. These were the most nonsensical words that I have heard in my life and mind you I was not young at that point and I had heard a lot of words, even nonsensical ones by then. But these were worst I had heard till that point of time, that is. Since then I have heard worse words. But it was never my business to interfere. So I continued to listen quietly. The man continued.

‘We are people right at the top and we are higher than the remaining. So we will call ourselves Higher.’ Hearing this a man from another group sitting on the top platform got up and announced ‘We are not only higher but we have beautiful names and so we will be referred to as Namebeauties.’ I sniggered for it sounded ridiculous but the ridiculousness of the name was lost on the men present. They aw-ed and wowed and someone in the crowd mentioned ‘Not only are their names beautiful, they themselves are Namebeauties. Wow! Waah! Aah!’ Soon, a man sitting on a chair got up and said ‘We sit on a chair at all times, it is our car and so we shall call ourselves Highercars’."

"What! Why are you raising your hand now?”

“I thought you spoke and understood only Malayalam, but this is all in English. Also, more disturbing is the fact that English was not spoken in this land at that time. So, this does not make sense!”

“Are you saying that I am lying?”

“No, no. That is not what I meant. I am only saying that it does not make sense.”

“You are being very literal. Get to the next plane, prisoner. Language is a tool used to communicate. It is used to express one’s thoughts effectively. Depending on the intent and need one can change the language used to communicate a thought. I don’t think you understand the intent of my narration and that is why you are objecting to the use of language. You are being too literal.”

“Hmmm! Ok! Nevermind, continue.”

“I will not explain this further. I am continuing with the narration. Another man whose upper body was covered with a cloth announced 'We always wear shirts and so we will call ourselves Shirtma.' Another said 'We have shirts but have no idea where they are and so we will call ourselves Wherema.' Yet another said 'We are gods who can't hep but chatter all the time and so we will call ourselves ChatterGs.' From a corner a man jumped up and shouted ‘We are near the top and so we will call ourselves Nears.’ Another man sitting on a chair in a group besides the Nears got up and said ‘… and we Nearcars’. Not to be outdone by other, a person sitting in a group close by announced 'We are near the top and do all the work. So we shall be referred to as Neardos”

Well, zvi continued in this manner for many hours. Naming and giving the reasons for the names. It was excruciatingly painful to sit through the whole narration, and it is worse to write it all down here. So, I will not go into the remaining details. I am sure everyone understands how the process continued. But I would like to mention one final point that the being mentioned about the process.

“As the naming process reached the groups in the lower platforms, the men sitting on the higher platforms lost interest and started talking to each other. One of them mentioned, ‘It is not like we will ever interact with those fellows. So, why should we know their names? We will simply refer to them as ‘Hey you’. Instead of listening to them, let us talk about other important matters.’ This meant that no one listened to the naming process of the groups on the lower platforms. When these groups realized that no one was listening and that their own voices were drowned in the noise created by others, they stopped the naming process. They decided to remain nameless and became voice-less.”

Catnap

 Is that cat dead?

Maybe its sleeping!

In the middle of the road?

Maybe it's tired.

Must be really tired!

Maybe it is!

It's dangerous.

Maybe it isnt!

Oh, it sure is.

Maybe it is.

It's Schrodinger's cat.

Maybe not.

It could be dead or not.

Maybe it's sleeping

One would never know.

Maybe so.

Must have been hit.

Maybe not!

By a car!

Maybe...

Should we check?

Maybe we should. 

Nah! Let it be!

Maybe that's good!

Let it remain Schrodingers cat.

OK

Fascinating is the thought  That it's alright It's all okay Everything's A-OK. But don't expect to be ok All the time. In fact, you won't be ok Most of the time.  But it's still ok To think life's ok. To believe life's ok As a little bit of okness Is all it takes  For you to feel ok. Ok? Ok, you got it ok I hope.

But!

I am not ok

With my being not ok

At all times.

If something's not ok

I think about it 

All the time

Making my oks

Not ok.

My life becomes 

Not totally ok

No, that's not ok!

My life becomes

Totally not ok,

Completely not ok.

Shockay, chokay ok.

And that is not ok

I need to be ok All the time!

Someone help me please

To become ok!

Mickey

 

Mickey at 28  Lies there in wait To discover his mate. But Minnie's not in sight. She's at her work place, onsite And works there right through the night In the morning, she sleeps to make it alright But Mickey is fortunate to not share her plight He is not living a life filled with struggle and fight. There he stands at a crosswalk, on a day that's bright With his stomach filled to the brim on his sumptuous diet A man comes by donned in a pair of shoes of colour blue light Looking up, Mickey finds the man extending to from him to heights, infinite But Mickey did not know the man was nothing but an empty shell of size finite.