Salty cooks

 He picked the call and said "Hey, what a surprise!" She responded "I need blood." He did not quite know how to respond. So he asked "What, you are turning into a vampire?" She laughed  and said "Last weekend I was watching Lokah and I had a premonition that I will be hungry for blood." He responded "Oh! Shouldn't I be concerned about this. What happened?" Once again she laughed and said "No, it's best to keep it light.  The baby sucked off a lot of my blood and now i am hunting the blood banks for O positive blood."  He laughed and said "Oh! O positive like Neeli." She corrected him "Neeli preferred O negative." He said "Ah ok! I don't remember. Hey, BTW I am O positive. Which hospital should I come?" She asked "What did you drink last night?" He responded promptly "Scotch, four pegs, on the rocks." She said "Oye bevde! I don't want my baby to be born drunk. He will be like Obelix, only high, not strong." He felt disappointed "Damn! You should have informed me yesterday then ..." She interjected "Listen I did not plan this shit, ok? My maid found me unconscious on my bed this morning  and brought me to the hospital." He felt shocked. He asked "Why can't you stay with your mother? This is dangerous." She responded "No. Just two more months. My parents will eat my head if I go there. This is fine. My maid will take care. Before I forget, please send your non-bevda trustworthy O positive friends. I need blood." He agreed "Ok. Send me the hospital's address.  I will come by." "Sure, sure. Ok. Gotta go" she said before cutting the call.

He shook his head and said "That girl will kill herself if she does not watch out." He looked up and saw the cook add a small spoonful of salt into the vessel of sambhar. He spontaneously shouted "Be careful with the salt." The cook turned around and looked at him menacingly. She said "Why are you telling me that? Are you telling me that the food I make is salty." He cursed silently and said " No, no. That is not what I meant. It is good to be careful with salt." She protested "I know that and I am always careful with the salt." He had no choice but to back off further "I don't mean you add too much salt. I am just asking you to be careful." She did not let go of the topic. "Do you say this to that cook who comes in the morning?" He became defensive " Of course, I told her the other day when she was making the kootu kari." She was livid by this time. "Have you seen the way she cleans the vessel? Look at this." He felt nervous seeing her walk toward him with a knife in hand. He said "What is it? Why do have the knife?" She extended a cooker whistle and started poking it's insides with the knife. She took out the knife and extended it toward him saying "Look at this. Rice! How old do you think this rice is?" He could not help but ask "From the Sangam era maybe?" His wife, who was observing the scene from a distance reminded him "This is not the time to act smart. She has a knife in her hand." She then looked towards the cook and said "It is ok ma. We will ask her to the wash properly tomorrow." But the cook was not convinced "She will not wash well. She is always in a hurry. I will do it."

Thirty minutes later she brought each of the washed vessel to him for inspection. Every time she said "See how clean this is? Does she clean like this?" Every time he said "It's clean, it's clean. You don't have to show it all to me." But she spent nearly 15 minutes showing each vessel and he had no choice but to inspect and comment on each of them.  When she had displayed all her achievements, she left abruptly. He looked at his wife and asked "What's wrong with her?" She responded "Well, she proved her worth with salt." He said "I don't understand what you mean." She agreed "Nor do I."

The next morning, he was reading the morning newspaper when his wife walked up to him holding a small flower vase. She asked "Where did you get this?" He responded "Your mother gave it saying that it was a gift you received from a friend. She discovered it when she was cleaning the house." She looked at the vase with disgust and said "Friend! What friend! The fellow was trying to propose to me." He put down the paper "What? Who? When?" She said "Relax! This happened in college many years back. He was junior. I told him he is barking up the wrong tree." He felt irritated "Barking up the wrong tree! Where do you get such phrases from? Its all those P G Wodehouses that you read." She clarified "I mean I said I was not interested." He said "I know." She said "You don't have to bring P G Wodehouse into this." The door bell rang before he could respond. She opened the door and the morning cook walked in angrily.

The cook stared angrily at him and asked "Why are you telling everyone that I cook badly? You could have told me directly if you had an issue." He looked at her blankly and said "I did not tell anyone that you cook badly." She countered "The watchman told me." His confusion increased "I have never talked to the watchman about your cooking." She said "He told me just now. He was supposed to get me a new job but he said that he will not as you said I don't cook well." He protested "I have never talked to the watchman about you or your cooking." She persisted "But you told the evening cook that and she told the watchman." 

"I have never talked to the evening cook about your cooking."
"You did yesterday."
"No, I did not."
"You did. The watchman told me."
"Now, how can the watchman know that?"
"Well, he told me that the evening cook told him that you told her that I cook badly."
"What! There are too many tolds in what you said. Explain clearly who said what to whom."
"What?"
"What exactly did the watchman tell you?"
"He said that you told the evening cook that I cook badly."
"I did not tell her that. End of story."
"But you said I put too much salt in the kootu curry."

He struck his palm on his head in frustration and asked "Why did you not tell that earlier?"
"Ah! So you did tell her that?"
"No, I did not!"
"But you just said you did."

"No, I did not. I asked why you had not said so earlier. That does not mean I told the evening cook that you added too much salt to the kootu curry. Wait, let me tell you what happened." He spent the next minute in recounting the incidents of the previous evening. He wisely left out the part about the evening cook complaining about the morning cook's inability to wash vessels properly. At the end of the narration, the cook said "So, this is what happened! That evil lady changed the whole story. I will not let this pass. I am going to give her a good shouting. Wait! I will get the watchman. You tell him the story. Please, I want that new job." She walked out of the house to get the watchman. He looked at his wife who was laughing at him and said "Don't laugh!" She responded "But this is funny. You have to talk to the watchman and in the evening you have to talk to the cook who will once again talk to the watchman who will talk to this cook and this story will never end." Once again he struck his palm on his forehead and said "What nonsense is this! Let us get rid of all these cooks. I will cook from now on." She agreed "That is a good idea. That way you can control the salt in the food."