From the deepest corners of my mind rises dark thoughts that have nowhere to go. They swim around in circles in my head. Everyplace they go, they leave a mark, a scar that never heals. I attempt to channelize the thoughts towards the outside. I try to free myself from them. But every time they slip out of my control. They refuse to leave the comforts of flesh and fat. Soon the scars spread all across my mind. I am unable to differentiate happiness from sadness. Ideally, tears should flow from my eyes. But I am unable to cry. Sadness only approaches me when I am alone, when I lie on my bed waiting for sleep to reach me. When I am with people I turn into happiest person on the planet. But every time I feel happy, I realize that I am not actually happy and this increases my misery. I am vying for the crown of being the saddest person on the planet and yet I realise I am nowhere close to being the saddest. There's too much misery on this planet for me to claim the title of being the saddest. A feeling of frustration rises within me. How could anyone bear more sadness than me? I realise that I am being selfish. I have the inherent need to be happy but everyone else too has this need. Many a times, these individual needs clash with each other and unhappiness results; not just for one person but for all the persons involved. As one ages, the load of unhappiness and the resulting scars become unbearable. One's own view of life seems straightforward. So, one starts to wonder why other's cannot see the same. This brings in a new set of unhappiness. The world seems to be stuck in this cycle of misery.
I started writing this two or three days back. Yesterday I came across a news article on the suicide of someone named Stephen tWitch Boss. The article has a quote on Stephen from his wife. She said "Stephen lit up every room he stepped into. He valued family, friends and community above all else and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans." I saw a few videos in which he can be seen dancing with his wife and kids. He seemed to be a nice person, a happy person. When I see him dancing I think that the guy would be considered by many as a 'cool guy'. Yet, on Dec 13/14, he decided to put a bullet in his head. I don't believe people would want to kill themselves due to excessive happiness. It is misery and sadness that drives them to that. What was Stephen's misery? If depression is the cause of suicide then are we living in a world where everyone's depressed? I can't believe that.
This is what I feel is happening. Life has become increasing complicated with time. We have a lot of expectations within us, most of which we can't achieve and if achieves not done so with satisfaction. So we feel unhappy. In earlier times, life was a struggle and so we did not have time to sit and think. We had to toil to live. So we did not have time for expectations and disappointments. But today we have time to think as our everyday life is not hard. So we feel miserable and when the misery gets too much to handle and we get an opportunity to kill ourself, we just do it. Is this depression? I don't know. Actually, it depends. I have written lot of unhappy things here. Now, if I go and jump off the balcony then people reading this would probably say I am depressed. Instead, if I continue to write many such useless write-ups and die at the age of 97, then I am just bull-shitting.
I have no idea what I am writing. So I will stop. I will publish this shit but I am not sending it to anyone. This shall remain here for people to analyse, if I decide to jump off my balcony.
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