I find it hard to believe that we live in 2018. The 21st century is 18 years old and thankfully we don't have flying cars. That's right, I said thankfully not by mistake. WhatsApp is a popular social application used by millions. These millions poke and peek through this window at most times during their day. Yet most of these millions have no idea how to deal with the simple concept of WhatsApp groups. How can people who have no idea of using the concept of WhatsApp groups deal with flying cars? They will fill our skies with so many fireballs that meteors will shy away from from our planet worrying their safety.
I hear you say "Come on! Being a part of WhatsApp groups does not require rocket science!" Before I respond to your uncalled for comment, I have to warn you on the usage of the phrase "rocket science". One cannot use it in a frivolous manner. This phrase has been created to be used exclusively in corporate review meetings. One cannot even think of this phrase outside these meetings. So use it with care and show some respect.
WhatsApp groups per-se is not a complicated concept. As a matter of fact, even a two year old can create this group and send a goo-goo-gaa-gaa message every morning. But this does not make the group an effective WhatsApp group and if your group is not effective, it will disappear from the face of this what-a-planet in a matter of days. Unfortunately, most people treat WhatsApp groups like the above mentioned two year old. They are not aware of the commandments that govern a WhatsApp group. Any group that does not follow these commandments will be smoked out of existence. Unfortunately, these commandments are either lost or are hidden from the common public by a selfish few. But you don't have to fret in agony at this inaccessibility. I am here to save the day. After in-depth analysis of many groups and messages I have managed to decipher some of these commandments. I am sure I don't have them all but if your WhatsApp group follows these ten commandments, there is an 80% chance of its survival. So listen carefully.
1. Thou shalt change the name of the group every two months: I remember a group named "Friends Forever". This was a healthy group that exchanged a minimum of ten messages every day. One day, inexplicably, the group admin exited and the group just fell apart. There were no symptoms; the group had a cardiac arrest. The post-mortem revealed that the members of the group had no bothered to change their name for a year and hence it drowned in the waters of chihuahua. Studies have revealed that groups that change their name once every 10 weeks have a 67% chance of survival.
2. Thou shalt change the profile picture every month: Similar to the above commandment but deadlier. Groups tend to lose members at the rate of one per week if they don't follow this commandment. The digital profile is usually treated with cynicism by many but it is a make or break in the social world. So treat it with respect.
3. Eight is a holy number: Groups should avoid sending less than eight messages a day. I don't mean eight messages as an average but every day. Worse, if they send exactly eight messages for more than eight days a month, the group will cease to be alive within the next eight weeks. Be warned!
4. Respond with respect: The DNA of a group is encoded in the messages exchanged between its members. Hence messages demand the utmost respect from the group members. A message should be responded with appropriate respect within a stipulated amount of time. My analysis has brought to light the existence of a few message response rules.
A forward message should be responded with a set of emojis of the appropriate kind or a series of forward message. For example, if a person sends a funny forward, you could respond with one of the laughing emojis or send back a few funny forwards. The word to note here is forward; a forward cannot be responded to in your own words. So avoid those "Good one"s and "That was funny"s. Such responses to forwards have known to harm the group in the long run.
5. Originality must be appreciated: A group should not only consist of forwarded messages. Each member should send a non-forwarded message once every four and a half days. This message should belong to one of the following categories. It could be an announcement of an event in your life. I frequently receive stimulating messages like "happy to inform that I have been chosen the best employee under five feet six in my office this month". Such messages should receive congratulatory responses from 94.5% of the members in the group within the next hour. The responses should be a combination of congratulatory words and emojis. Though messages with hand clap and bouquet emojis need not add any words.
The second category of messages demands a commandment for itself
6. Spread the message of life: The second type of message is inspirational in nature and should be based on the member's personal experiences. Such messages are important for the survival of the group. I have known many groups that have folded up by ignoring this commandment. Once I was nearly responsible, for the folding up of a group. I had not sent an inspirational message for more than a week. I had less than five minutes, when the song "Islands in the stream" started playing. I took out my mobile and started typing immediately. Time was running out and my fingers spiraled into nervous shivers. But I managed to the send out following message with 10 seconds to spare.
You attain equanimity when life consists of island of disturbances and not islands of peace.
I am not sure what it means but I was thrilled to use the words island and equanimity in a single sentence (in case you haven't noticed, I have used island twice). I waited with bated breath. This commandment demands at least one adulatory response within the first five minutes. At the end of the fourth minute, the phone buzzed and I found a response that said "Very true" with the thumbs up emoji. The group was saved at the nick of the time. Incidentally, the response to such messages can never be a criticism.
7. Never, ever analyse an adulatory response: This one is a killer. I have seen nearly 10 groups breathe their last due to the breaking of this commandment. As a matter of fact, in the above case, I analysed the response "Very true" and as a result the group collapsed within the next month.
8. Exercise makes one live longer: Most of the above rules are not applicable to groups that share their exercise routine and details. If more than six members of the group post an exercise related message every morning, the group will live forever. "Feel fresh after the 10 km run. More to come", "Beach volleyball is the best", "A coffee before a game of cricket. What more can life offer!", "Butter roast dosa after an invigorating run". This list is never ending. A photograph of the dosa or the coffee cups is definitely an added advantage. But care should be taken that no faces appear in such photographs. One group published a photo of the people holding the cup of coffee against their face and to make matters worse, one of the fellows had his ugly tongue out. By the evening, 75% of the members left the group.
9. There is a time for clarity; there is a time for complexity: While crisp and clear messages are very important for a group, a group should resort to complex and indecipherable messages when its survival is in question. I remember a group that was losing people like trees in a cyclone and then the admin sent the following message.
The point of the matter is that I get angry when I am told about matters I already know. But the problem in this matter is that I am not sure what I know and what I don't. So when someone tells me something, I start wondering if I already know it. I think hard but of no avail and this leads me to anger. Hence it is important one does not think much and as a result become angry
In the past year, the group's membership has tripled.
10. Keep the old messages alive: Every month, you should send a message that you have sent six months earlier. It is said that the disappearance of a message could result in the closure of WhatsApp. By messages, I mean forwarded messages. In 2016, a 16 year old went missing from Chennai. Messages regarding this missing boy reached a remote town of Alaska in mid-2017. The boy reached home within six hours of his being missed (he had slept under a tree in a park). Nearly two years later, I received the missing boy's message in a group. It was sent by the boy's father. I called him up and asked him about his boy's whereabouts. He responded that he was inside the American embassy waiting for his visa interview. I was perplexed and enquired about the message he had sent. His response was as follows "Oh! Was that him? No wonder the picture looked familiar. I got it in one of the groups and forwarded it to our group. Did not realize it was him." One has to keep the spirit of never letting a message die alive.
These ten commandments are as important in today's world as Mel Brooks' were in those days. Many wake up in the morning to check their WhatsApp groups and all of us are responsible for the well being of these folks.
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