Falling to pieces

For a long time, I thought I am the king of indecision. But then I came to the decision that it was not indecision but that in many cases I did not care to decide.  I came across the song "Falling to pieces" by Faith no more during my indecisive phase.  A line in that song had a profound effect on me (as in I said "Wow" every time I heard it and nothing more).  But as time went by, I realized the entire song was very well written.  Mike Patton is a talented lyricist and singer.  The song goes like this.


Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens....
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sign
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

The profound in the song is: Droplets of "yes" and "no" in an ocean of "maybe".  What better way to bring out the meaning of indecision.
 

Wedding drama

"We have to book tickets for your cousin's wedding"
"But that is three months away"
"Yes, it is on a Sunday and we are out of tickets to our home town for that weekend"
"Out of tickets!!!! Already!!!"
"We can book tickets to the previous station though".
"Oh OK.  On Friday and Sunday right?"
"Right"
"I will take care of it"

A few days later.
"Your uncle tells me that there is a function on Monday that we need to attend.  So you have to cancel the Sunday ticket and move it to Monday"
"Ok, hope I get the tickets"

A few minutes later.
"I got the tickets to home town directly.  It is second class though"
"Thats ok.  I am glad we got the tickets"

A week prior to travel.
"Your mother had a fall and she seems to have fractured a bone"
"Oh heavens! Is she OK?"
"Yes, it is not serious but she needs to be on bed for at least 2 weeks"
"Shall I cancel the tickets?"
"That will not be necessary.  Your sister will take care of her.  You have to cancel the tickets for your mother and sister though"

At last, the day of departure comes by.
"We only have an hour and half to get to the station. Where are you?"
"I am 10 minutes away. I will be there soon; be ready"

A little later.
"The taxi I had booked is not here yet"
"Sir, he will be there in 30 minutes"
"What! 30 minutes is too long.  My train leaves in an hour"
"Sorry sir, we will see what we can do"

A few seconds later.
"I am nearly there. Be cool."
"That is not the issue.  The taxi fellow ditched us; can we use the auto you are in."
"Oh God! This driver is an ass but we don't have a choice."

Fifteen minutes to departure; a traffic jam defines the degree of separation.
"I am in the train, where are you guys?"
"Nearly there, should be there anytime now"
"OK, but be quick"
"Driver, do something and get us to the station quick"
"What can I do look at the jam?"
"Is there no other way?"
"No and even if there is one, how do I move out of here?"
"But... Ah, its clearing, go quick"

 A few minutes for the train to depart.
"Which platform is it on?"
"Platform 10"
"Thanks God! Thats close.  Which bogie and how far is it?
"Let me check."
"It is right at the back, not too far"
"Good heavens! Our train's moving.  We have missed it."
"No, that is on the next platform.  We should be able to make it."

Two lives coming together
A happy occasion for all
As time comes near
Walls round the world of celebration fall

Faces from times earlier
Are back in flesh and blood
Some old others older
Smiles and laughter spread

As the night approaches the festive mood reach to what seemed then to be  a crescendo.  Dinner is about to be served.  A little further, in the old house, a spirited party has begun.
"So what will you drink?"
"No, no, nothing, I am a teetotaler"
"Tea totaller, what is that? Some problem with your liver is it?"
"No I don't drink alcohol"
"Why? Problem with your liver know? Doctor's advise eh?  Hey one more glass for me"

A little later
"This is so much fun.  We should do this regularly.  I will send you a message the next time we have a similar party ok?  Now, give me your number"
"9..."
"Hey Uncle, did you know that this guy is a tea totaller.  His liver has some big issue"
"Oh is it.  So sad.  You should not drink too much.  You should know your limit.  Look at me, I have been drinking since 16.  No problems, everything is in ferpect shape."
"No but ..."
"Ok, give me your number boy."
"No but ..."
"Hey fellows, what a good party.  The vada and sundal are excellent.  Did you try the sundal?  It is so healthy.  Try it, try it, come on."
"No I am ok"
"Do you know this guy is a very intelligent fellow.  He wears specs and has studied in that premier institute.  Hey, how come you don't have a glass"
"No, no, he has a liver problem and so cannot drink"
"But..."
"Oh oh.  You should be careful boy.  Try this sundal.  It is good for the liver"
"Here, have a glass of coke.  You can drink coke right?  I don't think that will spoil your liver"
"His liver is spoilt already. Such an intelligent fellow but with a out of shape liver"
"Poor guy"
"No..."
"This is a good party.  We should do this every year"
"You are the only sane person here.  So take down everyone's number and give it to us.  We will call back everyone next year"
"This sundal and whisky make a good combination"
"I prefer Vodka with lime"
"Hey guys, isn't this a great party.  It is so nice to meet all these new and old people.  We should do this every year"

A few hours and many rounds later, only one person still had the comprehension of walking straight meant.  The others continued gushing about the greatness of the party, promising to meet in the coming years and sympathizing the guy with the bad liver.
"Lets propose a toast for the bride groom.  Where is he?"
"There under the table"
"What are you doing under the table?"
"Searching for my engagement ring.  It seems to have rolled into some corner here."
"What! You lost the ring"
"What!..."
"Oh God..."
"You should be careful"
"Are you not happy with this marriage? Did you throw it away?"
"This is terrible"
"Let us toast"
"What toast.  The guy wants to cancel his wedding"
"Ah! Got it"
"The ring?"
"No. The cap of that bottle of Vodka"
"What about the ring?
"Oh I forgot"

Soon the spirits in the bottles were emptied and a dinner of chicken, mutton and other things were served.  It was nearly time for people to get onto their beds.
"Someone fell"
"Who?"
"How?"
"What happened?"
"I think your uncle fell and he was bleeding.  Some guys took him on a bike to the hospital."
"Bleeding!!!! Oh god, he has a heart condition."
"I think it is OK.  Should not be serious."
"How the hell did they take him in a bike?  He would fall right off."
"No there were three of them and he was in the middle."
"This is crazy."

"I am so disappointed.  How could you do this to me?"
"Hmmmm .... mmmmm...."
"I did not expect this from you.  Now everything is lost.  What will I do?"
"Augh... aaaa..."

"How is he doctor?"
"Nothing serious.  A small cut on the forehead - 3 stitches and nothing more.  Take him home."
"Do we need to take a scan?"
"Only if he loses consciousness or vomit."

"Good heavens.  He has vomited."
"That is the only the alcohol."
"What! How do you know?  Let us take him back to hospital."
"No no, it is only alcohol.  Come here and smell it."
"No, its ok."
"Here, smell my hands"
"No no no no.  I see it is alcohol.  I am leaving."
"Oh lord! I am so tired.  I am going to die"
"You will not.  I will die before you.  I am younger and you are older."

The drama ceased at some point.  People got into their beds and woke up next morning - a couple to marry and others to watch.

Jon Lord

As the waves recede
Many leaves on my tree
Wither and fall away
Everything is more brown than green
Every thought is wet with memories

I listen to a lot of music and they span across many genre.  In general, I love loud music - that lies on the heavier side of rock.  Many a times I imagined being asked a question to pick my favorite song or music or group.  My imagined answer was usually a lengthy mess.  It seemed to depend on a lot of factors.  Am I happy or sad?  Was I on top of the world or was the world on top of me?  Was I angry or in peace?  Was I trying to complete a document that is overdue by more than a week?  Was I driving back to some place? Was it night or day?  What music did I listen to a little while earlier?  Depending on many such factors it varied from Kyuss to Fates Warning to Underworld to Dream Theater to Doors to Deep Purple to Metallica to Beatles to God knows what (as in a plain God-knows-what and should not be confused with the group by the same name (if it exists that is)).  But a few months back, I suddenly got an answer to that imagined and real question.  I loved Deep Purple's music the most.  I remember a time when I did not like one of their best songs.  But that did not stay with me for long.  Since that change I always loved to listen to their songs.

I love all the different Marks of Deep Purple, with an especial affection for Mark III.  I can listen to their music any day for any number of times.  Some songs like Child in time spook me out to hell every time I listen.  Their albums In Rock, Fireball, Machine Head, Made in Japan, Perpendicular and Bananas contain some of the best songs ever.

And Deep Purple to me is Ian Gillan, Ritchie Blackmore and Jon Lord.  This morning I got to hear that Jon Lord was not with us anymore.  His organ sections of Deep Purple songs have always been tremendous.  His music will ensure that we will never miss him but keep listening to him all the time.  For a long time I was very disappointed that not too many people are listening to him or Deep Purple these days.  That is very sad as they made some really incredible music which time has not been able to erase.

Dev Anna

Everyone stood around the garage in silence.  A few of them whispered; a few sniffles were heard.  The air felt heavy with gloom and grief.  In the midst a few complaints arose "why were we not informed earlier?".  The one left behind did not seem to receive much sympathy.  She stood at some distance in what seemed like a stoic silence.  Contrary to what was expected of such a situation, there were not too many tearful eyes.

Soon a person came forward to take care of the ceremonies.  He explained these to the near and dear ones.  Then he started singing a mournful melody while the family went ahead with the ceremonies  The melody hit many a hearts and soon tears washed into the heavy air.  The sniffles grew into crying.  The sadness increased.  Men and women walked by expressing their condolence to the family.  A few men rushed in to express their respect by placing garlands.

A few minutes into the ceremony it was time for Dev Anna to leave his home forever.  A few men lifted him on their shoulders and took him to the vehicle that was to wipe out the last physical trace we had of him.  As they passed, I looked at Dev Anna's face but could not identify him.  The wailing and crying reached a crescendo.  I found it very hard to keep tears off my eyes.  Dev Anna's mother wailed at the misfortune of seeing her son taken away so young.  One could only stand and watch helplessly.

The vehicle moved away leaving the wailing women and the sad hearts behinds.  I watched the vehicle disappearing down the road.  When I looked around, I saw the people going back to their respective vehicles to continue with their lives.  The break in schedule was over.  The two drop of tears for Dev Anna has been spent.  Soon his memory will fade to replaced with newer ones.  Life, most definitely, does go on.

I had only Dev Anna a few times but every time I could feel his goodness.  I was told that he was an extremely rich person but other than his round the world trips, iPad and large television there was nothing else that made me feel it.  I will never forget the courtesy he extended to my colleagues and I when we visited Yercaud.  He was a good man and will be missed in some way by many of us.

When 2012 took birth Dev Anna wrote "Forget 2011 for whatever it is. Another new year is born. Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, to love and laugh and live.  Happy New Year 2012.  Regards, deva"

A journey

Lush green hills stretch to horizon
Greener than what they seemed
Slopes made gentler by this separation
Many counts of ages since I passed 

Ahead lies snow capped peaks
Their slopes steep and slippery
My path ahead lead into these
To what destination is a mystery

Darkness envelops all beyond

Forgetting more as years pass
Don't remember how it commenced
Few flashes remain as haunts

Unseen path lay ahead winding
Stones creeping into my inside
Each step requires more heaving
Don't know this journeys end

Worried to move ahead
Can not turn back
I want to move up speed
But my foot is on the brake

Stone man sings

Stone age, Stone tool
Stone henge, Stone pillar
Stone tablet, Smashed on stone
Rossetta stone, Etched on stone


Foundation stone, Stone wall
Stone carving, Stone sculpture

Stone heart, Stone faced

Just stone, Stoned to death
Head stone, Tomb stone
Dry stone, Stonemason

Philosopher's stone, Cobblestone
Stone quarry, Granite stone
Lime stone, Gem Stone


Stone unit, Stone cold

Stony Brook, Stone county
Bridgestone, Firestone

Oliver Stone, Sharon Stone
Romancing the stone

Rolling stones, Stoned immaculate
Queen of the stone age
Stoner rock, Stone temple pilots
Sly Stone, Stone records

Bloodstone, Rossetta Stoned
Gall stone, Kidney stone

Music and words

This morning, on my may to office, I was listening to songs by King's X.  It was their best of collection and the last number is a live version of their song "Over my head".  Sung by Doug Pinnick the song, like most songs by Doug, seems to come straight from his heart.  His voice and delivery always has a lot of feel to it.  The number I was listening to was a live rendition and so it had much more of the feel than the studio versions.  At around the central point of the song, Doug starts recounting from his experience in a rhythmic manner.  What he says touches my heart every time I listen to it.  It probably is one of the most affecting statement on parenthood that I have heard and here it is.

"And this is a song about my grandma; she raised me from a child. She was a very religious lady, she went to church every night, she read her bible all the time, yeah.
 
And, late at night, she'd be in her room, singing and dancing, and shouting, and carrying on like she used to do. Oh my grandma, I remember, yeah. 

And I'd be in my room, feeling so alone, wondering my mother left and my dead never came around. 

And my grandma, she never said, "I love you". She called herself a Christian and she never said, "I love you". She said, "Nobody wants ya, nobody needs ya, nobody loves ya". Oh, and I grew up so confused. Oh, yeah.
 
Now, I don't say this for you to feel sorry for me, but I want to say this, if you listen to me for a second: if you plan on having kids, if you have children or you plan on having kids, make sure that your kids know that you love them more than anything in the whole wide world. More than anything in the whole wide world. No matter who they are. No matter what they look like, what they do, what kind of rock 'n' roll they listen to, or if they wear tattoos. 

 Oh Lord, yeah. 'Cause if you don't...if you don't show your children love, when they grow up, they will grow up fucked up. And I know what I'm taking about, I had to work it out. Some of you know what I'm talking about."

I listen to a lot of music and most of it is hard and heavy.  So a lot of lyrics are not something to talk about or sing about.  Usually its about death, violence and such pleasant gruesomes.  So I don't really memorize them and many a times not even listen to what is being said.  To tell the truth, I was never a lyrics and poetry kind of person.  I really preferred music with the vocal chords being one of the instruments.  But from time to time a few lines come by and catch your attention.  Interesting set of words that mean much or nothing, are good or not but they are always good to hear.  To take the example of an evil one, there was Metallica singing a medley of Mercyful Fate songs (which sounds better when sung by the original group).  It goes like this.

"I was born in the cemetery
Under the sign of the moon
Raised from my grave by the dead
And I was made a mercenary
In the legions of Hell
Now I'm king of pain, I'm insane, yeah

You know my only pleasure is to hear you cry
I'd love to hear you cry
And I'd love to see you die
And I'll be the first to watch your funeral
And I'll be the last to leave
I'd love to hear you cry"

Not very tasteful but is very interesting to listen to.  There are a few more  interesting covers in that Metallica album.  One asked "Am I Evil? Yes I am".  Then there was another one called "So fucking what", which is easily the filthiest set of words I have ever heard (in a song that is).  I roll with laughter every time I hear it - silly, filthy and funny.

My earliest memory of lyrics is from that song by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. 

"Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah"

It seems quite cheesy but I still like the sound of it.  Pink Floyd also has the knack to put in good words into their songs.  The following two stand out in my head from the time I first heard them.


"The memories of a man in his old age 
Are the deeds of a man in his prime. 
You shuffle in the gloom of the sickroom 
And talk to yourself as you die.

Life is a short, warm moment 
And death is a long cold rest."

and

"the time has gone, 
the song is over, 
thought I had something more to say"

Despair, hopelessness and all other kinds of darkness reside in those lines.  The second set of lines come to my mind during many of my most despairing moments.  But then Annie Lenox has warned that

"Dying is easy its living that scares me to death"

But when someone is stuck between living and dying there is One song most appropriate - One by Metallica.  When I watched the video of that song the music, words and video all came together beautifully.  The song structured with its furious end brings out the frustration of helpless person who does not want to live but has no means of dying.  He has to wait...

"I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm Waking up I Can Not See
That There's Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
in Pumps Life That I must Feel
but Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God,help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me

Darkness

Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell

Landmine

Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell"

While One was about a live mind in a numb body, Queensryche wrote about a numb mind in a live body (I hope that is not politically incorrect). "Out of Mind" is a very touching song which should have been heard by many more people.  It should have been an anthem for a number of specially abled institutions.  It is also one of the most melodic songs ever.  The sadness always reaches into me.

"Little girl sits in the corner, locked in a stare.
Arms waving madly at something that sadly isn't there.
Dressed in the day's best by a nurse who's nowhere to be
found.

What does she see?
Maybe she's looking at me...

Old man is strapped to the seat of his chair, wearing a
gown.
Shouting and cursing at someone who clearly isn't around.
Father Time has twisted his mind.
The staff says, "He's not well!"

To whom does he speak?
Maybe he's speaking to me...

So we keep these people inside these walls, from society.
Their forgotten lives safe from the crowd, they can't leave.
You've left them there with me.

So we keep these people behind these walls, from society.
Their forgotten lives safe from the crowd, they can't leave.
Through the doors come people like me, good-bye to them.
They see a picture few of us see. They can't leave.
You've left them there with me"

But then not everything is this serious and depressing.  There is Faith no more that described indecisiveness as "Droplets of yes and no in an ocean of maybe" in "Falling to pieces".  Pet Shop Boys sang about their love for Chihuahua.


"I want a dog,
A chihuahua
When I get back to my small flat
I want to hear somebody bark
Oh, you can get lonely

Don't want a cat,
Scratching its claws all over my
Habitat
Giving no love and getting fat
Oh, (oh oh) you can get lonely
And a cat's no help with that"

All these words and people have inspired me to scratch a few lines on my own.  Though I am not personally embarrassed by these, I really don't have the guts to show it to any one else.  Hope someday one day I am able say something nearly as interesting as the ones above.  Hope, hope, hope, ...

Yet another pertol hike

I was in Gurgaon that evening and was going to my friend's home for dinner.  My friend was driving the car.  We crossed a signal near his is home and got stuck in a mass of vehicles.  My friend was worried that a jam at that point would be disastrous as we will be stuck for a good 30 minutes.  But this was not a jam; the vehicles were moving slowly.  Only the left most lane was stuck in what seemed like a queue.  A little further we saw a crowded petrol bunk.   This was a long line of vehicles waiting to fill petrol - some 50 odd vehicles.  That mean one of the following two events was on the verge of occurring.  Either a possibility of a petrol tankers strike or the cost of petrol was going up.

Earlier that morning I had seen in the news that the Government was contemplating to increase the cost of petrol to control the romance between the Rupee and Dollar.  But I did not believe that Government contemplations could result in actions this quick.  When it comes to the matter of increase in the price petrol apparently it does and it was to take effect from the coming midnight.  So people were rushing to the bunks to save a few bucks.  Only when I checked the news in detail did I realize that it was not a few buck after all.

The Government had raised the cost by seven and half Rupees.  Now, the cost of petrol has crossed the Platinum Jubilee mark.  I think the current Government has every intention to take it to the century mark before they get out (hopefully they will, we want to have a circulation of cartoons.  We are bored having the same bunch for the last 8 years).  I think they would then use this in their list of achievements in an attempt to get back into the driving seats.

Right below the news on the raise in petrol prices was another interesting piece of news that claimed that Didi was shocked by this raise in the price petrol and was not aware of or consulted on this decision.  This seemed to be a case deja-vu for me.  Poor Didi no one ever informs here about anything other than cartoons and other such slanders on her speck-less personality.

This morning my eyes fell on another interesting headline - "Petrol price hike fails to lift rupee; diesel eyed".  I was a little surprised by the "fails to lift rupee" part.  Every hike in the petrol price lifted more rupee from my wallet than earlier.  So much so that even with a wallet full of rupees it does not feel bulky or heavy.  It seems to be lighter than a pile of newspapers collected for a month.  The rupee has become so light that every time I open my purse a few of them seem to be lifting off automatically.  It seems lighter than feather.  As a matter of fact I am thinking of reducing the font size of rupee every time I mention it.  So here you go - rupee.  Once more - rupee.

Now, I am not sure what to do or say or write.  Should I rant against the Government?  Shout around how shitty they are not caring for the country or the people; too busy filling their pockets with all the money they can get?  Cry about how all of us have been conned and are losing faith in the by - to - for the people concept?  Just talk, discuss and shout but do nothing.  No, no, I will do better.  I will just laugh and get more cynical.  It is funny after all.  Everything is funny.  Ha ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, hee hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo hoo, ...

Ambedkar

I am not quite sure when I first heard about Ambedkar.  It must have been in one of those history lessons wherein many national and international heroes appeared at a bewildering pace.  But Alexander, Gandhi and others completely hijacked those page and I remember nothing about Ambedkar itself.  At some point of time, I picked up that he is the one who framed the constitution.  At some other point of time I learnt that he was a Buddhist.  Somehow I never realized, till much later, that he was the was the messiah of the castes trodden by many over for years.  I think that came out during the Mandal commission furor.

Those were the days of getting into college and the future did not seem made of possibilities but of impossibilities.  Reservations and competition had driven away all chances of getting into a professional course.  Hence a dark cloud was settling in on my sunny perspective of future.  A similar cloud was settling in on my feelings towards Ambedkar.  It seemed I have lost the race because I had to run with ten kilograms tied to each leg.  Even without that I would have found ir difficult to "win" but with this weight it seemed hopeless.  Of course, I was wrong. Life by itself is never hopeless its only the colored lens in our mind that darkens everything and adds less to hope.

Thus I lost whatever little liking I had for Ambedkar.  I do understand that there was a lot of mess up that "our" forefathers did to to "their" forefathers.  But today I don't even know who represents "our" and who "their".  So why am I being penalized?  Is it right to bring parity by changing the fairness coefficient between two sides every century or two?  I did not think so but like every normal human being, I just forgot about the whole deal and continued living.

Ultimately the dark cloud I had seen earlier was only a passing cloud.  The sun started shining again on to my life.  A few years later I reached the dream stage for many of us Indians at that time  - I was going abroad (applause).  At that time, I was living in Bangalore but my flight was out of Mumbai.  My father was posted in Mumbai those days and I decided to stay there for a day.  I was very excited when I reached Mumbai.  The excitement did not last long.  It disappeared the minute I was told  that there was a Mumbai wide 24 hour bandh the next day.  Reason: Some moron had adorned a statue of Ambedkar with a garland of slippers.  There he comes back into my life again.

The next day was probably one of the worst days of my life.  I was tense from dawn till dusk.  No vehicle on the road and hence no idea how to get to the airport.  That evening, I stood on the road for a good thirty minutes or so before an auto decided to take me to the airport.  He asked for a mini fortune to which I had no choice but agree.  During the journey, the auto driver pointed out mobs running around, blood on the road, heads rolling by and such minor incidents.  For some reason, I missed all these sights (maybe we were blinded by fear).  Finally, I reached the airport in one piece and was glad to board the flight.  Ultimately, Ambedkar-ji did not do much harm this time too.

Soon after, I started seeing Ambedkar statues being housed in metal cages.  It looked weird but it was probably done to keep away those responsible citizens from garlanding it with slippers or similar objects of disgust.  Every time I see this I am reminded about that day in Mumbai and though my memory is not sharp (understatement - it is very blunt actually) I can still remember the way I felt that day.

And now, we come back to the same name.  The NCERT book cartoon issue has brought back Ambedkar on to the front page.  As in the past, it has caused disturbances in different places.  Someone's office was ransacked.  There were a lot of ruckus in the Parliament( but that must have quite normal - "Its business as usual, let us shout our head out").  This is a weird issue though.  All the ruckus for a cartoon done in 1949 by a person who was ultimately awarded many Padma awards.  On the other hand, I wonder why should a cartoon be a part of a text book for school children?  Why make them all cynical so early?  Should we not let them be proud of our leader for a few years of their lives?  Can't they just be happy be Chacha Nehru rather than learn about Edwina at such an early stage?  So on the whole, I think the cartoon should be off text books but why all this ruckus every time the name of Ambedkar is brought up.  Can't we let that poor soul rest in peace?

Ramble on...

Traveling from place to place
With a few destinations in mind
We take in all sights and sounds
As we begin our journey by losing sleep

Near the land of midnight sun
We have heard of the vikings land
Now they are called Swedes
We saw their capital place

A small place finely arranged
Small enough to walk most places
We met its oldest abodes
And their newest King and Queen

Under the cold April night sky
A big fire was lit
With flames licking the sky
While all country welcomed spring

At the end of the Archipelago
Lay a small island, Sandhamn
A cruiser took us to meet it cold winds
Blowing in from the Baltics 

We saw that ship which was stillborn
Vasa did not cross the harbor
A big failure in marine history
Resurfaced to live forever

Little ones playing by a pond
Men and women strolling by a lake
Cars running with people everywhere
Restaurants serving food with lingonberries

Time has come to move on
To that city most visited by people
Where every corner is stained with history
And a pointless metal structure is the star

A million snaps by the Seine
March to see the triumphant arch
Window shopping en route to Concorde
Statues, Fountains, gold and glass domes at many place

The snake is long with innumerable people
Looking at an easy way to the top
We toil up the stairs till we can
Then take the easy way to top

The lady with a smile, maybe
Faces of the four seasons
Paintings within a painting
Darkness in a lost paradise

Elsewhere its early days of civilization
Pots and jewellery with patterns from heavan
Mummies and statues smile as we walk past
Codes and king of Babylon on stone

Walk through streets back to our beds
Being amazed at the perfections from past
Food from home refreshes us to present
Aching bodies lie on bed in world of dreams

Now its time for recent local history
An emperor takes a long cold rest
With god and others watching him
Near the stillness of many war stories

Center of the city, a cathedral nearby
Gothic wonder beautified by stained glasses
Ride north through the city's gut
To see the sacred heart now growing darker

As the mothers chant their prayer
In voices lulling us to a peaceful nod
Clouds have moved up from the horizon
Raindrops fall in the open spaces

Wetness creeps in slowly
As we get in to the underworld
Drying up as we ride back
To get wet again by the time we rest

A big palace few miles from the city
Gleaming gold welcomes all
Another long snake not quite 7 miles long
An hour goes by before we get inside

Richness everywhere, paintings and furnishing
Many rooms with names we don't remember
Needs and use unknown
Pompousness surrounds all around

People walk with stuff in their ears
Stories from past made  alive
Many characters heavenly and not
Some stand out many forgotten

The infamous king and queen
Who ruined lives and thus were ruined
Their heads taken away from their life
Up in the air for all to rejoice

Swarms of people in the closed space
Looking around with katchaks all the time
Entrapped in the regal roominess
Feel the need for fresh air

So we ran out like that Queen
To the gardens with their perfect greens
In the yonder we see fountains sprouting water
As music plays from secret corners

Still the shutters click away
As we walk to see another royal abode
Reason enough for her beheading
Simple and pleasant to sight it is

Back in city we meet an old friend
She who has someone inside
We laugh and talk for a few hours
Then we part in happiness

The time has come for us to head home
Memories and joy to carry back
Do we go back with happy hearts
Or does the toughness of life worry us

More happy with the thoughts of past
Than anxious of things to come
Learnt some from the places
Need to learn more when at home

Bleakness

Free from life, free from burden
I live alone with none at all
I know none, not even me
I wait for nothing, not even death

Far from the world, far from anyone
I look at nothing and it is all dark
I hear nothing and that is the way it stays
I feel nothing or am I lying

Could this be life?
Could this be bliss?
Could this be a place even death dares not approach?

Idealism

Go for the world
Go for your life
Go for the thing
Go for it with your heart

Take all you can
Take it with greed
Take more and more
Take care of it all

Give all you can
Give everywhere
Give one and all
Give from your heart

Take nothing
Take none when given
Take your dreams
Take only life

Distractions

Many things that run through my mind
Some good some bad
Thinking of things that are in and out of my sight
Some relevant some not

Going in and out of the topic in front
Some hit me others I miss
What is important for me is not in my sight
I am blind or is it dark glasses

Goals, relevance, paths, decisions,
Checks, reviews, changes, apprehensions,
Backlogs, Over work, compromise, confusions,
Frustrations, vent-outs, adjustments, conclusion

A comprised completion is completion still
Let us celebrate and feel good anyway.

And then God said let the earth quake...

This meeting was about the authentication framework.  Suresh, Arun and I were sitting in my room and discussing at leisure.  Suresh broke away from the hot topic and started talking about his chair shaking and possibly the whole world moving.  The two of us did not feel anything and we thought maybe Suresh skipped his lunch and so was feeling giddy or maybe all those late nights and weekends at work has taken him off balance.

If the earth had indeed moved and Suresh's balance was not lost, Gowri would walk into the room within minutes and announce that the whole world was crumbling.  So we waited with our eyes fixed on the door.  Seconds ticked by but Gowri's head did not peep into the room.  I was getting worried about Suresh developing this extra sensory power.  Finally, at the end of second 35 Gowri's head appeared near the door.  I was relieved.  Suresh was right, the earth had indeed quaked.

Reports from the world outside claimed that chairs had shaken, stomachs had jiggled, dead grandmothers' apparitions were seen, water level in bottles had been disturbed, yet to be born babies were seen dancing on the ceiling, birds had flown backwards and many such miraculous events had taken place.  Now there was no running away from truth, the earth had indeed quaked.  But why the hell did I not feel it and why the hell had I not seen any dead grandmothers and great grandfathers.  The misfortunes of being me are immense.

Now, the question that came into our minds was what needs to be done in case of earthquake, especially since the earth had stopped quaking.  Should we all run to the exit screaming "I am going to die" or should we just take the lift and go down to the cafeteria?  But why go to the cafeteria when coffee is available in our pantry?  But then I did not need the coffee then  I had not even thrown the sick smelling empty paper cup.  So why was I thinking of coffee?  Oh yes, the earthquake.

Someone suggested we look out of the window to see if anyone had jumped out of the building.  Maybe we can count all those sploched people on ground.  We looked out of the window to find a few tens of people holding on to the compound wall for their dear lives and staring the building.  Oh what thrill, how brave we are; lets hi-fi.  By then the building disaster prevention and security enhancement by staring and shouting at people rudely unit had got into action.  It was time for some verbal action - Hollywood style.  "Move, move, move, move, move", "clear the building", "walk is a single file", "no you don't need to carry a file", "get the hell out of here", "don't panic", "the earthquake is in safe hands".  Ah, how reassuring.

When we finally reached the ground, by actually taking the stairs and not the lift, we found a crowd of people trying to get out and an equally large crowd trying to get in.  To spice up things, the disaster prevention and etc, etc, unit had ensured only one of security gates worked (those chop-chop doors that try to smash into your private part if you don't move fast enough).  By the time we reached the safety of open skies, the earth quake had crossed Mars and was moving towards Jupiter (of course, by this time it was not called earth quake; it had just given up the Mars quake title to take over the Jupiter quake title).

We reached the safe assembly zone to join the  few hundred people there.  Someone in the crowd noticed that safe assembly zone was too close to the building.  This meant that all of us would die if the building decided to come down tumbling, which meant that the safe assembly zone was not safe at all.  But we felt safe anyhow.  Actually, we felt safe even during the earthquake.  Then we saw the sixth floor and the V mark of death on the grass close to safe assembly zone.  All safety fled and we were looking for the dead man.  Isnt that guy by the fire hydrant semi-transparent? Is that guy walking or floating? Where are his feet?  But all these turned out to be brammai and we could not find anyone who matched the description of a dead man and so we went back to feeling safe.

We talked and laughed about the building that was supposed to have collapsed in Vadapalani.  Someone mentioned about a 8.9 earthquake in Indonesia.  I took out the phone and desperately tried to reach my brother-in-law.  After attempting to call the wrong number a hundred times and imagining fallen towers and buildings in Indonesia, I dialed the correct number and got through to my  brother-in-law on the first attempt.  He informed that he realized about the earthquake when he received a million frantic calls from India.  Now I was feeling stupid and safe.

Then the story turned from earth quake to tsunami but that was not very interesting.  But to end the earthquake story, the disaster prevention etc folks announced that they received a note from the underworld that another quake was expected at 5PM.  So they ejected all of us from the building and closed the whole place.  Apparently, most of the disaster folks in Chennai did the same and the roads were packed with people running towards their home which could be destroyed by upcoming earthquakes and tsunamis.

Happy living.

To quake or not to quake...

The earth shook under my feet
So they said
To me that is not the way it seemed
Another opportunity missed

Chairs shook, stomachs jiggled,
Water in bottles waved,
Buildings closed in on each other
Not for me though

It all seemed normal
It all seems normal
The world shook under my feet
And I missed it all

Cocooned or oblivious
Boon or curse
For my good or not
Happy or numb
I need to be aware

From the past

• Life - Lines

  December 21, 2006, 10:30
  Many a times, I feel life is a straight line. It goes on and on and on. No change in direction. Just keeps going on in a monotonous manner. Then one day a change comes by. You are no longer seeing things you saw yesterday. Today everything looks new. You wish you could get back to the safe yesterday. But it is too late. Some one has decided to draw a new line. You have no choice but look in the new direction and get used to things. You fight it out and in due course manage to get back to normalcy, which soon degrades into monoton-ity. These changes are too abrupt. Why can’t life be more evenly spread out with lesser number of peaks and troughs?
• Interviews with Gen Musharraf

  December 11, 2006, 17:18
  This was one more of those weekends when Gen. Musharraf gave a piece of his mind to us Indians. I am so tired of this man expounding his imaginative theories on the Kashmir issue and improvement of Indo-Pak ties. Of course, I can not blame the General for this. The problem lies with all our channels (or is it just NDTV?) who go up to him every two months and ask for a piece of his mind. Over the past years, this friendly neighborhood leader has let out suggestion, theories and other whatevers, which we in India either find obnoxious or worse still these are usually diametrically opposite to what the General does in practice. To top it, General's recent book (a wonderful book that is usually stacked under the fiction section, I hear) was filled with "facts" on Indo-Pak relations that would have fit very well into any episode of X-files. So why the hell is Prannoy Roy spending so much time airing interviews with Gen. Musharraf? Worse still, he forgot to put in the laugh track.
• Reservations - What the hell!

  June 12, 2006, 11:25
  A man is lost in a desert. He has not eaten for the past two weeks and hunger is driving him nuts. He is desperately searching for food. Suddenly in the horizon he sees an approaching caravan. The man rejoices; he runs towards the caravan with all his remaining strength. As the caravan closes in, he is amazed by its richness. “I am saved” he thinks. Soon the caravan stops. Its fat master steps out and tells the starving man “My god! How weak and worn out you look? You seem to have starved for years. Take this bag and eat its contents.” The master steps back in and the caravan leaves.
  
  The man is flabbergasted. He had expected a ride with the caravan to the next town, but the caravan master did not bother to listen to him. Once again he was stranded in the big bad desert. The man opened the bag. It contained another bag. Inside the second bag he found a box, which he opened hungrily. At the bottom of the box, lay a small object. The man picked up the object. It felt cold. He tore open the paper cover and found a cup of ice cream. The disappointment was enough to kill him immediately.
  
  Sukhi woke up early in the morning. Like every other day, he and his four young sons had very little time to reach his master fields. There he toiled till late in the evening. This ensured that his family could fill half their stomachs one time a day. Sukhi did not realize that today was a special day for him and his caste-mates. The Government had reserved another 27% seats for his caste members for post graduate courses at different institutes and colleges in India. So now he could educate his sons at IIT.
  
  The doors of IIT were always open for Sukhi’s sons and for every other person in India. The only problem was that you had to study hard and needed to have a flair for problem solving to get into this premier institute. But now the Government has decided that the years of oppression faced by forefathers of many of the “lower castes” can be made up by just lowering the marks required in the entrance examinations to these institutes. The problem is that Sukhi’s sons and many others belonging to his caste (and many other castes) will still not be able to make it into these prestigious institutes (or any other institute or college for that matter) anyway.
  
  Sukhi and his sons live in utter poverty. They continue to be oppressed by their higher caste masters. They are forced to work all the time to stay alive. Education, school, college and IIT are the last things they care for. They are fighting hard for their meal everyday. The Government and its reservations make no difference to him. If he could wish, he would want a better mean of livelihood. To start with he would want one full meal a day, then the removal of oppression from his masters and many other such wishes. Somewhere in the middle would be the wish to educate his sons. If at all he gets to that point, he would have realized that there are no schools anyplace close to send his sons to. There are many barriers between Sukhi’s sons and IIT. It is obvious but the “by the people, for the people” Governments turn a blind eye towards the problem. What the hell is the point giving a tiny dessert to a man dying of hunger?
  
  What the hell were you thinking Caravan master?
• Why I hate Dan Brown!

  June 08, 2006, 13:18
  Some years back, I am not sure how many though, the title “Da Vinci Code” came into my notice. The papers had something about a book by this title, but some how it never interested me. I associated it with that dumb book on how the Bible has hidden messages for anyone who reads the fifth, eighteenth, thirty fifth and ninety ninth words or letters or something of that sort. So it came as a surprise when I saw in the news papers that “The Da Vinci Code” will be made as a movie. That is when I decided to find out more on the book. My initial idea, based entirely on a Mona Lisa cover of the book I saw some place, was that the book messed around with Christianity using Mona Lisa and Da Vinci.
  
  A month before the release of the movie I saw this book at my sister’s place. So I grabbed the book and started to read. I finished it off in a week, which by my one book in two months standard, was a record. My reactions on the books were mixed. It was like reading a Grisham novel – The book grips you as long as you read it but at the end you end up feeling “is that all? Why were all those pages, chases, murderer, murders, dead bodies and words required for such a tepid ending”. The other problem with the book, it seemed like a not so good take on Robert Ludlum’s novels. Ludlum’s novels go at a break neck speed and you ending panting for breath by the end of it. “Parsifal Mosaic” (my first Ludlum) and “Bourne Identity” are my favorite thrillers. But “Da Vinci code” does not ever reach those heights.
  
  The problems with “Da Vinci” were many; at times the clues and riddles seem silly. Most of the times, the going seem quite easy for the lead pair. To give you an instance, the first escape from Louvre is almost ridiculous – both the persons have enough time to go and forth in the Louvre. To top it they escape from there quite easily. Almost every other dangerous situation gets resolved easily. Right down to the confrontation with the villain. The villain it self remains in the shadows for long and is one of the suspenseful elements of the story. But by the end I got an inkling of who it is and by the time of revelation and the eventual confrontation I was past my biggest disappointment with the book. As I mentioned earlier, it is all too very convenient for the lead pair.
  
  All this does not make this a bad book; it is a decent thriller and has tons of historical data that should pick ones curiosity to know more. It is precisely for these reasons that I picked up Dan Brown’s earlier book “Angels and Demons”. But at the end of the first few pages I realized that both these books follow the same pattern. Late night visit/phone call and dragging an uninvolved Professor into a messy historical affair seem too similar. Anyway, I continue to read “Angels and Demons”.
  
  But of course, all these are not the reasons for my hating Dan Brown. I was waiting quite eagerly to watch the movie. I thought it will be interesting to see many of these cool historical concepts. And then watching Tom Hanks is always great. But the morons who sit in the chair of power have other ideas. Many of them have gone ahead and banned this movie. Dan Brown, all these problems would not have risen if you had not written this book. I hate you, Dan Brown.