Music and words

This morning, on my may to office, I was listening to songs by King's X.  It was their best of collection and the last number is a live version of their song "Over my head".  Sung by Doug Pinnick the song, like most songs by Doug, seems to come straight from his heart.  His voice and delivery always has a lot of feel to it.  The number I was listening to was a live rendition and so it had much more of the feel than the studio versions.  At around the central point of the song, Doug starts recounting from his experience in a rhythmic manner.  What he says touches my heart every time I listen to it.  It probably is one of the most affecting statement on parenthood that I have heard and here it is.

"And this is a song about my grandma; she raised me from a child. She was a very religious lady, she went to church every night, she read her bible all the time, yeah.
 
And, late at night, she'd be in her room, singing and dancing, and shouting, and carrying on like she used to do. Oh my grandma, I remember, yeah. 

And I'd be in my room, feeling so alone, wondering my mother left and my dead never came around. 

And my grandma, she never said, "I love you". She called herself a Christian and she never said, "I love you". She said, "Nobody wants ya, nobody needs ya, nobody loves ya". Oh, and I grew up so confused. Oh, yeah.
 
Now, I don't say this for you to feel sorry for me, but I want to say this, if you listen to me for a second: if you plan on having kids, if you have children or you plan on having kids, make sure that your kids know that you love them more than anything in the whole wide world. More than anything in the whole wide world. No matter who they are. No matter what they look like, what they do, what kind of rock 'n' roll they listen to, or if they wear tattoos. 

 Oh Lord, yeah. 'Cause if you don't...if you don't show your children love, when they grow up, they will grow up fucked up. And I know what I'm taking about, I had to work it out. Some of you know what I'm talking about."

I listen to a lot of music and most of it is hard and heavy.  So a lot of lyrics are not something to talk about or sing about.  Usually its about death, violence and such pleasant gruesomes.  So I don't really memorize them and many a times not even listen to what is being said.  To tell the truth, I was never a lyrics and poetry kind of person.  I really preferred music with the vocal chords being one of the instruments.  But from time to time a few lines come by and catch your attention.  Interesting set of words that mean much or nothing, are good or not but they are always good to hear.  To take the example of an evil one, there was Metallica singing a medley of Mercyful Fate songs (which sounds better when sung by the original group).  It goes like this.

"I was born in the cemetery
Under the sign of the moon
Raised from my grave by the dead
And I was made a mercenary
In the legions of Hell
Now I'm king of pain, I'm insane, yeah

You know my only pleasure is to hear you cry
I'd love to hear you cry
And I'd love to see you die
And I'll be the first to watch your funeral
And I'll be the last to leave
I'd love to hear you cry"

Not very tasteful but is very interesting to listen to.  There are a few more  interesting covers in that Metallica album.  One asked "Am I Evil? Yes I am".  Then there was another one called "So fucking what", which is easily the filthiest set of words I have ever heard (in a song that is).  I roll with laughter every time I hear it - silly, filthy and funny.

My earliest memory of lyrics is from that song by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. 

"Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah"

It seems quite cheesy but I still like the sound of it.  Pink Floyd also has the knack to put in good words into their songs.  The following two stand out in my head from the time I first heard them.


"The memories of a man in his old age 
Are the deeds of a man in his prime. 
You shuffle in the gloom of the sickroom 
And talk to yourself as you die.

Life is a short, warm moment 
And death is a long cold rest."

and

"the time has gone, 
the song is over, 
thought I had something more to say"

Despair, hopelessness and all other kinds of darkness reside in those lines.  The second set of lines come to my mind during many of my most despairing moments.  But then Annie Lenox has warned that

"Dying is easy its living that scares me to death"

But when someone is stuck between living and dying there is One song most appropriate - One by Metallica.  When I watched the video of that song the music, words and video all came together beautifully.  The song structured with its furious end brings out the frustration of helpless person who does not want to live but has no means of dying.  He has to wait...

"I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm Waking up I Can Not See
That There's Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
in Pumps Life That I must Feel
but Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God,wake Me

Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God,help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me

Darkness

Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell

Landmine

Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell"

While One was about a live mind in a numb body, Queensryche wrote about a numb mind in a live body (I hope that is not politically incorrect). "Out of Mind" is a very touching song which should have been heard by many more people.  It should have been an anthem for a number of specially abled institutions.  It is also one of the most melodic songs ever.  The sadness always reaches into me.

"Little girl sits in the corner, locked in a stare.
Arms waving madly at something that sadly isn't there.
Dressed in the day's best by a nurse who's nowhere to be
found.

What does she see?
Maybe she's looking at me...

Old man is strapped to the seat of his chair, wearing a
gown.
Shouting and cursing at someone who clearly isn't around.
Father Time has twisted his mind.
The staff says, "He's not well!"

To whom does he speak?
Maybe he's speaking to me...

So we keep these people inside these walls, from society.
Their forgotten lives safe from the crowd, they can't leave.
You've left them there with me.

So we keep these people behind these walls, from society.
Their forgotten lives safe from the crowd, they can't leave.
Through the doors come people like me, good-bye to them.
They see a picture few of us see. They can't leave.
You've left them there with me"

But then not everything is this serious and depressing.  There is Faith no more that described indecisiveness as "Droplets of yes and no in an ocean of maybe" in "Falling to pieces".  Pet Shop Boys sang about their love for Chihuahua.


"I want a dog,
A chihuahua
When I get back to my small flat
I want to hear somebody bark
Oh, you can get lonely

Don't want a cat,
Scratching its claws all over my
Habitat
Giving no love and getting fat
Oh, (oh oh) you can get lonely
And a cat's no help with that"

All these words and people have inspired me to scratch a few lines on my own.  Though I am not personally embarrassed by these, I really don't have the guts to show it to any one else.  Hope someday one day I am able say something nearly as interesting as the ones above.  Hope, hope, hope, ...

Yet another pertol hike

I was in Gurgaon that evening and was going to my friend's home for dinner.  My friend was driving the car.  We crossed a signal near his is home and got stuck in a mass of vehicles.  My friend was worried that a jam at that point would be disastrous as we will be stuck for a good 30 minutes.  But this was not a jam; the vehicles were moving slowly.  Only the left most lane was stuck in what seemed like a queue.  A little further we saw a crowded petrol bunk.   This was a long line of vehicles waiting to fill petrol - some 50 odd vehicles.  That mean one of the following two events was on the verge of occurring.  Either a possibility of a petrol tankers strike or the cost of petrol was going up.

Earlier that morning I had seen in the news that the Government was contemplating to increase the cost of petrol to control the romance between the Rupee and Dollar.  But I did not believe that Government contemplations could result in actions this quick.  When it comes to the matter of increase in the price petrol apparently it does and it was to take effect from the coming midnight.  So people were rushing to the bunks to save a few bucks.  Only when I checked the news in detail did I realize that it was not a few buck after all.

The Government had raised the cost by seven and half Rupees.  Now, the cost of petrol has crossed the Platinum Jubilee mark.  I think the current Government has every intention to take it to the century mark before they get out (hopefully they will, we want to have a circulation of cartoons.  We are bored having the same bunch for the last 8 years).  I think they would then use this in their list of achievements in an attempt to get back into the driving seats.

Right below the news on the raise in petrol prices was another interesting piece of news that claimed that Didi was shocked by this raise in the price petrol and was not aware of or consulted on this decision.  This seemed to be a case deja-vu for me.  Poor Didi no one ever informs here about anything other than cartoons and other such slanders on her speck-less personality.

This morning my eyes fell on another interesting headline - "Petrol price hike fails to lift rupee; diesel eyed".  I was a little surprised by the "fails to lift rupee" part.  Every hike in the petrol price lifted more rupee from my wallet than earlier.  So much so that even with a wallet full of rupees it does not feel bulky or heavy.  It seems to be lighter than a pile of newspapers collected for a month.  The rupee has become so light that every time I open my purse a few of them seem to be lifting off automatically.  It seems lighter than feather.  As a matter of fact I am thinking of reducing the font size of rupee every time I mention it.  So here you go - rupee.  Once more - rupee.

Now, I am not sure what to do or say or write.  Should I rant against the Government?  Shout around how shitty they are not caring for the country or the people; too busy filling their pockets with all the money they can get?  Cry about how all of us have been conned and are losing faith in the by - to - for the people concept?  Just talk, discuss and shout but do nothing.  No, no, I will do better.  I will just laugh and get more cynical.  It is funny after all.  Everything is funny.  Ha ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, hee hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo hoo, ...

Ambedkar

I am not quite sure when I first heard about Ambedkar.  It must have been in one of those history lessons wherein many national and international heroes appeared at a bewildering pace.  But Alexander, Gandhi and others completely hijacked those page and I remember nothing about Ambedkar itself.  At some point of time, I picked up that he is the one who framed the constitution.  At some other point of time I learnt that he was a Buddhist.  Somehow I never realized, till much later, that he was the was the messiah of the castes trodden by many over for years.  I think that came out during the Mandal commission furor.

Those were the days of getting into college and the future did not seem made of possibilities but of impossibilities.  Reservations and competition had driven away all chances of getting into a professional course.  Hence a dark cloud was settling in on my sunny perspective of future.  A similar cloud was settling in on my feelings towards Ambedkar.  It seemed I have lost the race because I had to run with ten kilograms tied to each leg.  Even without that I would have found ir difficult to "win" but with this weight it seemed hopeless.  Of course, I was wrong. Life by itself is never hopeless its only the colored lens in our mind that darkens everything and adds less to hope.

Thus I lost whatever little liking I had for Ambedkar.  I do understand that there was a lot of mess up that "our" forefathers did to to "their" forefathers.  But today I don't even know who represents "our" and who "their".  So why am I being penalized?  Is it right to bring parity by changing the fairness coefficient between two sides every century or two?  I did not think so but like every normal human being, I just forgot about the whole deal and continued living.

Ultimately the dark cloud I had seen earlier was only a passing cloud.  The sun started shining again on to my life.  A few years later I reached the dream stage for many of us Indians at that time  - I was going abroad (applause).  At that time, I was living in Bangalore but my flight was out of Mumbai.  My father was posted in Mumbai those days and I decided to stay there for a day.  I was very excited when I reached Mumbai.  The excitement did not last long.  It disappeared the minute I was told  that there was a Mumbai wide 24 hour bandh the next day.  Reason: Some moron had adorned a statue of Ambedkar with a garland of slippers.  There he comes back into my life again.

The next day was probably one of the worst days of my life.  I was tense from dawn till dusk.  No vehicle on the road and hence no idea how to get to the airport.  That evening, I stood on the road for a good thirty minutes or so before an auto decided to take me to the airport.  He asked for a mini fortune to which I had no choice but agree.  During the journey, the auto driver pointed out mobs running around, blood on the road, heads rolling by and such minor incidents.  For some reason, I missed all these sights (maybe we were blinded by fear).  Finally, I reached the airport in one piece and was glad to board the flight.  Ultimately, Ambedkar-ji did not do much harm this time too.

Soon after, I started seeing Ambedkar statues being housed in metal cages.  It looked weird but it was probably done to keep away those responsible citizens from garlanding it with slippers or similar objects of disgust.  Every time I see this I am reminded about that day in Mumbai and though my memory is not sharp (understatement - it is very blunt actually) I can still remember the way I felt that day.

And now, we come back to the same name.  The NCERT book cartoon issue has brought back Ambedkar on to the front page.  As in the past, it has caused disturbances in different places.  Someone's office was ransacked.  There were a lot of ruckus in the Parliament( but that must have quite normal - "Its business as usual, let us shout our head out").  This is a weird issue though.  All the ruckus for a cartoon done in 1949 by a person who was ultimately awarded many Padma awards.  On the other hand, I wonder why should a cartoon be a part of a text book for school children?  Why make them all cynical so early?  Should we not let them be proud of our leader for a few years of their lives?  Can't they just be happy be Chacha Nehru rather than learn about Edwina at such an early stage?  So on the whole, I think the cartoon should be off text books but why all this ruckus every time the name of Ambedkar is brought up.  Can't we let that poor soul rest in peace?

Ramble on...

Traveling from place to place
With a few destinations in mind
We take in all sights and sounds
As we begin our journey by losing sleep

Near the land of midnight sun
We have heard of the vikings land
Now they are called Swedes
We saw their capital place

A small place finely arranged
Small enough to walk most places
We met its oldest abodes
And their newest King and Queen

Under the cold April night sky
A big fire was lit
With flames licking the sky
While all country welcomed spring

At the end of the Archipelago
Lay a small island, Sandhamn
A cruiser took us to meet it cold winds
Blowing in from the Baltics 

We saw that ship which was stillborn
Vasa did not cross the harbor
A big failure in marine history
Resurfaced to live forever

Little ones playing by a pond
Men and women strolling by a lake
Cars running with people everywhere
Restaurants serving food with lingonberries

Time has come to move on
To that city most visited by people
Where every corner is stained with history
And a pointless metal structure is the star

A million snaps by the Seine
March to see the triumphant arch
Window shopping en route to Concorde
Statues, Fountains, gold and glass domes at many place

The snake is long with innumerable people
Looking at an easy way to the top
We toil up the stairs till we can
Then take the easy way to top

The lady with a smile, maybe
Faces of the four seasons
Paintings within a painting
Darkness in a lost paradise

Elsewhere its early days of civilization
Pots and jewellery with patterns from heavan
Mummies and statues smile as we walk past
Codes and king of Babylon on stone

Walk through streets back to our beds
Being amazed at the perfections from past
Food from home refreshes us to present
Aching bodies lie on bed in world of dreams

Now its time for recent local history
An emperor takes a long cold rest
With god and others watching him
Near the stillness of many war stories

Center of the city, a cathedral nearby
Gothic wonder beautified by stained glasses
Ride north through the city's gut
To see the sacred heart now growing darker

As the mothers chant their prayer
In voices lulling us to a peaceful nod
Clouds have moved up from the horizon
Raindrops fall in the open spaces

Wetness creeps in slowly
As we get in to the underworld
Drying up as we ride back
To get wet again by the time we rest

A big palace few miles from the city
Gleaming gold welcomes all
Another long snake not quite 7 miles long
An hour goes by before we get inside

Richness everywhere, paintings and furnishing
Many rooms with names we don't remember
Needs and use unknown
Pompousness surrounds all around

People walk with stuff in their ears
Stories from past made  alive
Many characters heavenly and not
Some stand out many forgotten

The infamous king and queen
Who ruined lives and thus were ruined
Their heads taken away from their life
Up in the air for all to rejoice

Swarms of people in the closed space
Looking around with katchaks all the time
Entrapped in the regal roominess
Feel the need for fresh air

So we ran out like that Queen
To the gardens with their perfect greens
In the yonder we see fountains sprouting water
As music plays from secret corners

Still the shutters click away
As we walk to see another royal abode
Reason enough for her beheading
Simple and pleasant to sight it is

Back in city we meet an old friend
She who has someone inside
We laugh and talk for a few hours
Then we part in happiness

The time has come for us to head home
Memories and joy to carry back
Do we go back with happy hearts
Or does the toughness of life worry us

More happy with the thoughts of past
Than anxious of things to come
Learnt some from the places
Need to learn more when at home

Bleakness

Free from life, free from burden
I live alone with none at all
I know none, not even me
I wait for nothing, not even death

Far from the world, far from anyone
I look at nothing and it is all dark
I hear nothing and that is the way it stays
I feel nothing or am I lying

Could this be life?
Could this be bliss?
Could this be a place even death dares not approach?

Idealism

Go for the world
Go for your life
Go for the thing
Go for it with your heart

Take all you can
Take it with greed
Take more and more
Take care of it all

Give all you can
Give everywhere
Give one and all
Give from your heart

Take nothing
Take none when given
Take your dreams
Take only life